Being a Thankful Survivor...now when do the tears stop?

Well...here I am!  Wide awake because for the past week I have been suffering from the worst insomnia I ever thought possible!  Yesterday while awake at 3 am I decided to google natural cures for insomnia and almost all websites pointed to the same answer....THERAPY. 

What the hell?  I don't need therapy!  I need sleep!  Nothing a little melatonin cant fix right!  ................WRONG!  3 extra strengh melatonin for the life of me cannot knock me out this week, so what the hell is my problem?

Three am today I wake up and toss and turn with achy legs so I decide to get out of bed and have a bath.  For some reason I have always found great comfort in baths when I am sick or upset and often reminisce about the time when I was about seven or eight years old...pretty sure I was dying from the plague.  I had a terrible flu and my mom was working nights so my sister Holly was watching me.  She had put up with me moaning and groaning and crying all night and while usually very attentative with me, she had had enough this night and was exhausted taking care of sick lil me!  At three am I whined "I wanna have a bath".  I laugh every time I think about this...Holly looked at me and said, "its the middle of the night you are not having a damn bath now go lay down and go to sleep!!!"
Approximately five minutes later little sick Beige was moaning and groaning....IN HER BATH THAT HOLLY WAS RUNNING HER!

For some reason this memory has always stuck with me and every time I have a bath for the reason of being upset, sick or for relaxation I think about this day. 

Today's 3 am bath was a little different.  As unexplainable tears ran down my face and I wept with an overwhelming heaviness in my heart I lied in my bath thinking about what is wrong with me.  Taking the time to actually look deep within and think about things that could possibly be bothering me that I am ignoring however are having a great effect on my subconscious mind it occurred to me....Tomorrow is my first cancerversary.  I've talked to other survivors and read many blogs about others and their cancerversaries and in most cases it has been a happy day.  Some even celebrate with a cake every year and almost ALL acknowledge the day in some shape or form of celebration. 

For some reason my first cancerversary is hitting me different than I assumed it would.  I thought I would be celebrating and filled with joy, jumping up and down praising the lord that the year is over, on to the next!  Without even realizing the emotional effect this has been taking on my body in the last week I have turned into a sleep deprived emotional train wreck and had no idea why. 

I am a woman, I'll be the first to admit that we all get a little emotional at times for stupid reasons.  Maybe the last piece of cheese from your delicious little cheese and cracker snack fell on the floor and the dog ate it before you could pick it up and honor the five second rule to enjoy it with your last cracker on your plate, no doubt, thanks to the dog's greediness you are now broke out in a full on breakdown because what the hell are you going to do with a dry ol' cracker and no cheese...as you throw the cracker at the dog and cry out "might as well have that too you asshole...ENJOY" it hits you...what the hell was that all about?  Did I really just have a full on mental breakdown because the dog ate my last piece of cheese?  Perhaps there may be an underlying issue that lead to this little breakdown or  perhaps we are just simply women and yes...occasionally we have little breakdowns like this for no reason.

This week was KIND OF the same.  I have not been sleeping, I start crying at the drop of a hat MANY times a day with no explanation and I have a heavy heart. 

Sitting in my bath I decided to take it upon myself to acknowledge that perhaps I may have an underlying issue...and it hit me...The hot water somehow opened my mind and memory and I began to recall events of the week that didn't make sense at the time.  A breakdown when I was getting dressed and seen the nighty my mom bought me after surgery with buttons all down the front because I couldn't pull anything over my head, unpacking and washing blankets and finding my snoogle that gave me relief to sleep by supporting my arm during recovery, moving all my summer clothes to storage and taking the time to look at all of my bikini tops that I haven't worn in over a year because they don't have special pockets for a water boob to be inserted into, an email from two cancer buddies that I haven't talked to in quite some time,  and last but not least taking a pregnancy test hoping to reveal that there is a reason I am gaining weight and a secret hope that I see two lines and know that all issues with fertility and the fear of never having children are gone (the test was negative, I'm in the clear to have my MRI however in the blue with just simply getting fat and not being able to blame it on the baby. 

All of these things on most days would seem pretty normal to any other 27 year old woman, I mean a nighty, bikini tops, a pillow and a pregnancy test...none of those are a big deal and certainly not anything to cry over....but for me it is.  It occurred to me today that these are all very big deals and they are the reasons I have been crying all week and not realized it at the time.  All of these things are directly related to my cancer diagnosis and recovery.  So...I've been living with this and coping fairly well for a year, why are these things bothering me so bad now?  Duh Beige...you just had a scare on Thursday (five days ago) with the possibility of another tumor in your remaining breast and without realizing it all week I've been suppressing the emotions and ignoring that fact that tomorrow it will be one year to the date that I was diagnosed. 

As I am writing this I am amazed at how my mind chose to ignore this, something this big, something I SHOULD be celebrating and yet I am not, instead it is eating away at my mind and subconscious mind, making me emotional and not to mention that fact that all week I have been reliving that day without even realizing it.  Trying to suppress the memory and forget it ever happened.  Seems easy enough, humans hide their feelings all the time and suppress memories of loosing a loved one or a pet, a tragedy in life, etc.  However, trying to suppress the memory of my cancer is not as easy to do when every morning I wake up, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror and cancer slaps me in the face.  THERE IT IS...EVERY MORNING!  My short hair that I have yet to cut, huge black circles under my eyes, bad skin that's dehydrated, the 15 pounds I gained during chemo and a scar from my armpit to the middle of my flat unwomanly chest do not allow me to escape reality and suppress the memory of my cancer. 

I hope other survivors truly are happy when their cancerversaies come around and I hope that perhaps my next fifty or so will be easier than the first was for me this year cause I'd be lying if I said I am overwhelmed with joy and happiness knowing its been a year.  I am thankful that I am here to write this thanks to amazing medicine and a great team of doctors but tomorrow will without a doubt be one of the hardest most emotional days of my life.

As I close this blog I will be getting out of bed to pack my bag, get in the car and drive three hours to Sparwood BC where at 7 pm I will greet my husband from his day of work and know that no matter how emotional today may be....He's gonna love me through it.

For better or worse...

I would imagine there are alot of people in my life that have heard the downward spiral my life has taken in the last six months and I would like to take this time to clarify what emotional rollercoaster I have been on.

Before our honeymoon I was involved in a Breast Cancer support group, for any of you out there who are not involved in one, I suggest you do this, it kept me strong.  That support group ended in March and Dave and I went on our two week honeymoon in Cuba.  Upon our return home things were ok for a while but then I started to emotionally fall apart inside.  Instead of talking to anyone about the pain, fear and emotions I was feeling I felt like everyone in my life had gone through enough heartache with me in the last year and they didn't need to hear my bitching about the heartaches and fears that were overwhelming me so I chose to bottle it all up inside.  It didn't take very long for the bottled up emotions to cause me to fly off the deep end and the downward spiral began.

The start of all of it involved a break up with my husband.  I told him in May that I wanted a divorce.  The next few months I spent looking for a place to go and packing my things up slowly and reluctantly.  Burgandy left Calgary in June to go to Drayton Valley for the summer and spend some time with the family that raised her.  When she left she told me she wanted to come back and she wanted to continue living in Calgary with me, my search for places to live was then very focused around Burgandy, around getting her into a good school, a place where getting a job would be convenient and a place that I could afford with her.

In August Burgandy informed me that she would not be coming back to Calgary and that she had made this decision a while ago but didn't know how to tell me and that she would infact be moving to Fort Mac with her boyfriend.  My heart sank.  After everything that I was experiencing in life right now to also feel like I had failed her was the icing on the cake.  I sat here for almost a week straight in tears fearful that Burgandy was going to ruin her life and why the things that I had done for her were not good enough.  In the end, Burgandy moved in with a family member from her Dad's side whom she has never met and the feeling that I have failed her and that she will be in a downward spiral much like I have has yet to pass.

It was a good three months through the summer that Dave and I had minimal communication, while I was still living in our house, we were not talking every day like the happy married couple we once were.  I was lost, I felt alone, I was unhappy.  Why should Dave have to be brought down in life too because I couldn't have a handle on my emotions.  Why should he have to live with someone who cries at times for no reason at all, who fears their life everyday and chooses to sabotage themselves rather than embracing the happiness and joys that they have in their life.  None of this was fair to him.  He has always supported me in every aspect of my life, loved me unconditionally and would give me the world so didn't he deserve someone who would do this for him in return? 

I'm not saying I wouldn't give Dave the world, I am just saying that I was so sad that I didn't care to try. 

I would like to think that everything in life happens for a reason. 

During the three month separation I was involved in an Internet scam and lost $1600.00 when I placed a damage deposit on a place to rent.  After telling my story to the landlord and placing the deposit, he still look my money and ran, I am on long term disability right now and that was the only $1600.00 I had that month, I risked living with no groceries to place that deposit.  This was a huge eye opener to me to realize that people can be so heartless and have no empathy towards others situations, and yet, here I was, doing the exact same thing to Dave, being heartless.

For better or worse....I guess the answer is both!  Nobodies marriage is perfect and they are all going to have their problems, I am thankful to have the most understanding, forgiving and loving husband in the world who supports and loves me through anything.  Believe me, I know how blessed I am with this fact alone! 

As I close this comment I would like to clarify, Dave and I are sorting through our issues, we are very happy together, we have an unconditional love for each other that is undying (I love that man with everything that is in me).  I hope that everyone can understand that Dave and I choosing to work through the hard times only makes us stronger in the long run, it proves that our love for each other is undying and I ask that everyone respect our decisions to live together for better or worse. 

Heart is where the Home is

Since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer a year ago not a day goes by that I don't ponder what makes me happy, where was I the happiest, what do I want out of life. 

On almost all of these days I find myself thinking of the farm.  Never in my life was I at such peace in my heart as when I was down at barn sitting with my donkey, my nelly girl!  The barn was an escape for me, a place that I ran when I felt like there was nowhere else I wanted to be.  My nelly girl was the one soul in the world that I felt would love me through anything, who understood my emotions without me having to tell her what was in my heart.

I dream of the day that I will be able to return to the farm, at this time my parents farm is up for sale and my husband and I have been strongly considering purchasing it.  Knowing that I may one day be back on the farm and know that our children will get the same peace and freedom that I had gives me an overwhelming sense of joy. 

Since the day I met Dave, he has fondly talked about Buck Lake, the beauty of it, the trees, the sense of family that is around there.  It is an amazing feeling to know that my husband has the same love for my home that I do.

A bump in the road

A cancer survivor gets the joy of not only going to the doctor for yearly check ups but many of us are now faced with visits every three or six months for the rest of our lives.  My medical schedule happens to be once every six months. 

Thank god I can say that I am married and thankful that this breast poke doesn't just come around twice a year.  Something that I know many of my young cancer survivor buddies have to deal with, a loss in sex life if you are single.  After all, how sexy can you possibly be dressed up in your lingerie only to take it off and have your breast prosthesis fall to the floor with it with a huge thump, guaranteed that thing weights 10 pounds!  lets all take a minute to picture how humiliating this moment is...

To my single surviving one boobed amigos, hold in there, the day will come that you either A) find an amazing man with who you will one day be comfortable with or B) have amazing implants that will help you to be comfortable with yourself.

Now that I have had my unnecessary out of topic rant, lets get to the bump in the road.  Today is September 24th, I have four days to go until I relive that day when Dr. Hicks informed me that I did infact have cancer.  I am not sure yet how I am going to take this day that is coming soon but I do know that it will be an emotional one. 

Thursday September 20th was my second boob check up and what I thought would be my final exam before my return to work.  My life has been a whirlwind in the last six months and I have to admit I went off the deep end a little bit experiencing survivor hood in ways that I thought would be fulfilling in life, these things were so selfish and life altering not realizing that what I needed and wanted in life was right there the whole time.  At this visit my doctor was more concerned over my mental well being more than anything as she has followed my down ward spiral in the last year.  We talked alot about where life was at this point and that it is starting to look up and I am beginning to feel like myself again, her concerns about my mental health quickly faded when the three inch lump in my remaining breast was discovered.  Dr. hicks looked at me with sadness in her eyes as she said "I am sorry to have to tell you this again". 

The next day I was in emergency appointments and scheduled for a mammogram as well as an ultrasound.  Growing up I always imagined going to ultrasound appointments with tears in my eyes and an overwhelming sense of joy as I sat there and watched my baby wiggle and jiggle inside of me, while the tears were there the sense of joy was an extreme sense of fear and I felt awful for the people in this office that had to watch me bawling for the next hour.  Tears ran down my whole body as I underwent my second mammogram at the age of 27, never thinking I would be doing this again exactly a year later.  And during my ultrasound I eagerly watched the screen looking for that same black hole looking picture that revealed my cancer a year ago.  NOTHING.  The ultrasound technician said everything looked normal and I replied yes I see that.  She brought the doctor in to double check and he had the same news for me.  A small sense of relief was given to me as I walked out of the office, however I had two hours to eagerly await the call from Dr. Hicks with the results.  Me and my girlfriend Wendy went for lunch and in two hours I was informed that there was infact nothing revealed on these tests, however, as I sit here and write this blog post I am waiting to be scheduled for an MRI and Dr. Hicks will also be calling my plastic surgeon to bump me up the line and have this breast removed. 

While I am happy to be bumped up in appointments, a big part of me is also PISSED OFF!!!!  I told them a year ago I wanted both breasts removed and all of my medical team thought I was speaking out of fear and that removing both breasts was a little rational.  Please let me explain...that at 26 years old you do not want to face this again, its easier to live with NO breasts than to have to face the reality of finding another lump...yet...at 27 here I am...another lump, another bump in the road, more fear, more sense of failing my husband and family, more tears, more heartache and more surgeries to come.  NOW please tell me that you thought I was speaking out of fear or being irrational a year ago!

Hair, Hair and more Hair

oh the days of no shaving legs, no bad hair days, no waxing eyebrows...yes...they are over. 

Where to Begin....

It is so hard to believe that I have taken no time to write in my blog since February.  My mind has been in a whirlwind and while I sit and reminisce that life has been busy and try to make the excuses of why I have not been doing the things I cared about....reality hits....life has not been busy....rather, it has been ignored.  A harsh reality that I did not want to face set everything that I cared about, everything that I enjoyed on the back burner, while I carelessly "flew off the deep end". 

The last couple months have been filled with so many ups and downs and while I look back I realized that at the time of what I thought were positive things, were so many downfalls and brought my life nowhere forward.  Living everyday carelessly and allowing alot of people I care about to slip away in fear that someday my cancer may return and when it does, perhaps it would be better if I had already pushed them away rather than having them loose me at a time that we were closest to each other. 

so lets see where to begin...

Dave and I went to Cuba in March for two weeks to celebrate our honeymoon, it was an amazing vacation, however in Cuba, I still could not escape the harsh reality of what I had gone through in the last year.  While I put on my strong front and we had an amazing time, there were so many things running through my mind at all times. 

• Why at 26 years old should I feel uncomfortable in my honeymoon lingerie because of my lopsided and scared chest. 
• A two week vacation in which I have all of two bathing suit tops to choose from because before leaving the room I must first shove a waterproof fake breast in a full coverage bathing suit top, a top that is two sizes too big for me, just so I can hide my scars and pretend to be as real as a woman as the rest on the beach.
• And last but not least, my buzz cut that had just started to grow back at that time was the biggest reason I could not escape reality on my honeymoon.  I had many people approaching us daily asking id I had had cancer, while they were eager to share their own stories of how cancer had affected their lives and how strong and courageous they thought I was, I just wanted one day to be "Beige and Dave"...in a cancer free world. 

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Shortly after the return from our honeymoon, tragedy struck, and while I am not willing to talk about it (it had nothing to do with cancer in any form).  Things went downhill in my marriage.  I went into a deep hole and could not escape the fact that the cancer would maybe return one day, and if it had I wanted to know that I had lived each day to the fullest, not realizing at the time, that living life to the fullest to me actually means loving someone with your whole heart, realizing that they love you and accepting the wonderful life that has been handed to you.  I became reckless and careless about many things and let a lot of things slip through my fingers by hurting many people I cared about....again...the thought in my head that perhaps if I were able to push everyone away before the return of my cancer would be the best thing, because if they were not in my life, they would not be hurt. 

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So much has happened in the last five months, most of which I am not proud of, I hope that by getting back on my blog today, this will be a new beginning to the stronger happier me that I once was.  Accepting of love, friendships and being grateful for the amazing things that god has handed to me that I have so often taken for granted. 

followers.....please welcome me back and I hope you are all doing amazing!

Aches, Pains and Worries

I joined a woman's breast cancer support group and every Monday myself and six other women get together to discuss our lives and how cancer has affected it.  I absolutely love this group and feel that it has helped me so far tremendously. 

The one thing that we discussed is the fear of recurrence.  Every ache, pain and stiffness in your body leads to your mind playing tricks on you and you cant escape the thought "oh no, what if its cancer?"

Its really a mental disorder that goes something like this...

Headache = brain cancer
bones hurting = bone cancer
nausea = stomach cancer
walking through a cloud of smoke = lung cancer.

Every day = CANCER, CANCER, CANCER

And there seems to be no where to run to escape these words, feelings and fears....I guess that all comes with time.

Currently and personally I am having the BIGGEST problem with my backside.  It feels as if my muscles from my lower back to under my butt are so stiff I have trouble walking.  Its like there is something constantly pushing on my bones and the feeling is killing me. 

I visited the chiropractor today but it didn't seem to help much other  than the fact that she did remind me it will take a good year for my body to be "normal" again and that there are post-chemo symptoms.

February 7, 2012 - A celebration

Today as Porshia and I were driving I realized that today - February 7th has special meaning.

As I was driving I realized this morning I SHOULD have been on my way to chemo - BUT I WASNT!!!!!

As my husband said on January 17th "while today is your last chemo and that is exciting the celebration actually will not be until 21 days after when you finally don't have to go anymore" - and that day has come!

Shoppers Drug Mart Weekend to End Women's Cancer

Yay!

I have successfully registered for my first Breast Cancer Fundraiser since becoming a survivor!  I said at the beginning of this journey that I promised to go on and do great things and make a difference and here I am at the beginning of THAT journey!  I am so excited words cannot even explain it!

Shoppers Drug Mart® Weekend to End Women's Cancers? is a two-day, 60-kilometre or one-day 32-kilometre walk through the neighbourhoods of Calgary. It will be a challenge and I am ready to take on this endeavour to find a cure to breast and gynecologic cancers!

My commitment is based on love and my realization that we each need to do our part in this fight. I can walk. I can raise funds to benefit the Alberta Cancer Foundation, a leader in the fight against all women's cancers. I can and choose to be a part of this movement to save lives.

I ask you to join my Circle For Hope. Be a part of my very personal journey - by giving, by walking with me, or simply by sharing my story with your circle of influence.

This is my journey.
This is my Weekend Circle For Hope.

Please visit my website to make a donation or join my team.

http://www.endcancer.ca/site/TR/Events/Calgary2012?px=3716835&pg=personal&fr_id=1460

Excuse Yourself!?!?!?

Do people not realize that perhaps someone who has just finished their chemotherapy cycles and is trying to make a transfer back into "normal" life may be a little bit SENSITIVE!?!?!?!?!

It boggles my mind how many people come around and don't even consider this!  Okay so perhaps this is me being a little bit selfish right now, but I am sorry I feel that at times I am allowed to be a little selfish, after all if this taught me anything it was to stop letting people walk all over me because I am number one!

I am so excited to go back to work I can hardly contain those emotions!  I talk to Dave about it everyday and about all of the projects that I had on the go and accomplishments that I was working on when I left and how I cant wait to achieve those!  Anyone who has been around me in the last year knows how much I love my job and strive to succeed at it, that I have developed great relationships and pride myself in the fact that I live to work not work to live!  I wake up in the morning excited to go to work - FINALLY!

Therefore, the other day when I had a miscommunication with a friend/co-worker who told me not "stay home and not bother coming back and let the person filling in for me continue to do my job if I didn't want to do her any favors upon my return"  - Perhaps I FREAKED OUT!!!!! 

WHAT????????????????  Are you kidding me right now??????????????

For anyone not going through chemotherapy or has never gone through it, for those of you that have never fought cancer, please understand one thing - While I may seem healthy to you on the outside, I smile all the time and yes, I lost a breast and  not my sense of humor....you see me at these times and these times only, but do you see me laying in my bed crying at night or confiding in my husband all of my fears, do you see me staring in the mirror for 20 minutes every morning feeling unbeautiful because of my lack of hair and breasts and the constant redness around my eyes, do you see me sleeping for 16 hours a night because I am exhausted, do you watch me every day struggle to remember what I was just talking about in mid sentence because I suffer occasionally from chemo fog. 

You can sit there and comfort me and say "you are beautiful no matter what, don't worry about forgetting things, don't cry you should be happy because your a survivor. 

I know these things!  However, do I feel AS beautiful as I did a year ago or as I will in a year from now?  No I do not and neither would you without your hair or your breasts, it is not about the beauty within at ALL TIMES, it is about feeling like a woman!

So please - just have some compassion for the things that YOU DO NOT KNOW.  It doesn't matter how close you are to people unless you are with them 24/7 just assume there are things you do not know and emotions they are going through that you cant possibly understand.

Reconstruction

So yesterday I had my appointment with Dr. Kanashiro to discuss reconstruction.  Without a doubt I have decided to remove my right breast.  It will be called a prophylactic mastectomy (meaning preventative). 

So a little bit about my reconstruction options...

My options are

1) DIEP flap

Patients typically ask in consultation what the recovery is like following DIEP or TRAM Flap surgery. I find that patients may have some misconceptions regarding how they are going to look and feel post-operatively. Typically at one week post-operatively, most or all drains have been removed and steri-strips remain in place on the breast reconstruction or on the abdomen. Bruising and swelling often persist after the first week and being to improve over the next several months up to one year.
Autologous reconstruction such as DIEP flaps are a great alternative to implant based reconstruction if the patient has enough tissue on their abdomen to donate to one or both reconstructed breasts. In patients who have had repeated infections or capsular contracture with implants, DIEP flaps represent a great method for reconstruction.

The above photograph, the patient is status post bilateral mastectomy.

The lower abdomen and perforators (blood supply) to carry the abdominal skin and fat from the abdomen to the chest wall is marked. The preferred vessels in the chest are the internal mammary vessels when available.

In the above photograph, the patient is one week post-operatively. All drains have been removed. Steri-strips remain in place for two weeks and are then discontinuesd. Bruising and swelling improve over the next several months to one year.

2) Implants (which will require spacers to be put in to strecth my skin over a period of time before the implants can be placed)

Breast reconstruction following mastectomy can be challenging for both the patient and surgeon. Breast reconstruction can be performed immediately following mastectomy or can be performed in a delayed fashion where a patient undergoes a mastectomy in one procedure and then implant or autologous tissue reconstruction in another procedure.


I typically educate patients who undergo reconstruction with tissue expanders or implants that these procedures are frequently performed in stages. Often, the first stage of reconstruction requires the placement of a tissue expander, followed by a second procedure where implants are placed and a final symmetry procedure is performed.

I have found great utility in the use of the neo-supracapsular pocket to control and reposition the inframammary fold in breast reconstruction. I find that the surgeon can have excellent control of the fold position without any untoward puckers or dimpling. One of the goals in breast reconstruction following mastectomy, is to have the patient feel comfortable and confident in clothing and/or in a bra.

1) What is autogenous breast reconstruction?

Autogenous breast reconstruction is the use of your own body's tissue to reconstruct the breast. This includes the TRAM (transverse rectus abdominus myocutaneous flap), gluteal flap (gluteus maximus myocutaneous flap), latissimus dorsi flap, DIEP (deep inferior epigastric perforator flap), SIEA (superficial inferior epigastric artery flap) and GAP (gluteal artery perforator flap) techniques.


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2) What are the benefits of autogenous reconstruction versus implant reconstruction?

Since autogenous reconstruction uses your own body's tissue to reconstruct the breast, the tissue is there for life. You cannot reject it. It will change in volume as your normal weight fluctuations occur through life and often tends to improve in shape over time. The breast is reconstructed with fat, which is similar in density to breast tissue, thus the “feel” is similar to that of a normal breast.

Implant reconstructions tend to require multiple operations prior to achieving the final result. These could include sequential expansion of breast skin, repositioning of the implant, correction of infra-mammary fold distortion, correction of shape deformity, correction of implant extrusion, correction of implant leakage, correction of capsular contracture, removal of implant because of infection, replacement of temporary implant or expander with permanent implant. If a patient has had radiation or is planning to have radiation, implant reconstruction is discouraged because of the unacceptably high complication rate. The implants often require replacement. Implant manufacturers do not consider them “lifetime devices”. Their life expectancy is <10 years per manufacturer documentation. The occurrence of capsular contracture is often a concern with implant reconstructions. It is the result of your body's recognition of the implant as a foreign material. A capsule of scar is layed down around the prosthesis to as a barrier to contact with the body. The capsules vary in thickness and can sometimes calcify and become hard. As a result implant reconstructions tend to be more firm than a normal breast, thus feeling more artificial and remaining somewhat immobile to normal activity.

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3) Are there any benefits of implant reconstruction over autogenous?

Implant reconstructions are typically shorter operations (1-2 hours) and do not prolong hospitalization. Autogenous reconstruction, specifically perforator flap reconstruction, typically takes 4-5 hours for a single reconstruction and 5-7 hours for a bilateral breast reconstruction. The hospital stay is 3-4 days for perforator flap reconstruction and may be slightly longer with TRAM flap procedures. Implant reconstructions also do not require a donor site and recovery is therefore usually shorter.

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4) What is a DIEP flap?

DIEP stands for Deep Inferior Epigastric Perforator. This is the named vessel for which the tissue to be transferred is based. “Flap” is a plastic surgery term referring to the tissue which is to be transferred.

The deep inferior epigastric vessels arise from the external iliac vessels (the external iliac vessels become the femoral vessels in the leg). The deep inferior epigastric vessels course beneath the rectus abdominus (the major abdominal “six pack” muscle) on each side. These vessels send off branches to the muscle as well as through the muscle into the overlying fat. These perforating branches are those which are identified, preserved and transferred with the overlying tummy fat to reconstruct the breast.

Please comment your thoughts or what you would do

Moving Forward

This last bout of Chemo was the hardest without a doubt!  My hangover lasted longer and was way worse than any other and to top it off I developed a very nice chesty cough and a fever that held on for almost six days! 

Now...I am feeling better!

And with that I am ready to jump of this train of life that I seem to have been sailing by on for the last 26 years.  Lets start slow ok!

Dave leaves back to Fort Mac tomorrow and with that I am gonna give myself a couple of rules to live by.  Something to get me started back in every  day life!

1)  I am going to start setting my alarm every morning and getting back to a normal routine.  Enough sleeping until noon!

2)  I am going to start enjoying some exercises and taking the dogs out for a walk every day!  I don't know how far I will be able to go, but I can go a little farther every day in hopes of doing the Weekend to End Breast Cancer Walk soon.

3)  Mentally - I joined a support group with six women in it which my doctor referred me to, I go every Monday and my first time was last Monday, it feels good to be able to talk to other women in my situation, but still have yet to find women of my age to talk to.

Also mentally, today I met with Dr. Kanashiro (my surgeon) again for a follow up to have my other breast removed and to begin the Reconstruction phase, I will keep you up on this but at this point I have chosen to have implants. 

I have also started reading a book called picking up the pieces, which I am absolutely loving!  There are a lot of quotations in there from real life survivors and it is very inspiring, I am going to dedicate more time to this book in the next couple weeks.

I think for right now, those three goals to focus on are quite a bit and just to get back into every day life if really hard, so here's to that!

A Toast!

While I write this I proudly sip on a glass of wine! 

Here is a toast to goodbye...

Goodbye from what you might ask?

While allow me to explain the absolutely terrible things that chemo does to you!

While most people may have worse symptoms to complain about, I suffered from a five day hangover, the absolute WORST smelling farts in the world which Dave, Burgandy and myself proudly call chemo farts, and as gross as it is, I almost had to plug my nose every time I peed!

This may have been a little bit too much information, but I proudly sip on my wine while I think of the happy days ahead of me that will be free of that god awful chemo smell!!!!!!!!

CHEERS!!!!!

Graduation Day

ALL DONE!!!

The Beginning of a new Chapter or the Closing of One....either way....I am done!

On January 17th I successfully graduated from Tom Baker University!  I was accompanied to my last Chemo by my Auntie/Sister Pauline.  She called me about a week before treatment requesting to take me.  We haven't spoke in a very long time due to family drama etc (you know how it is...) but I thought this may be a nice opportunity to let the past lay in the past and that is what we did, we did not talk about our issues or problems that we had, we just simply enjoyed our time together and it was really nice for me to have family there at my last chemo session, something that I have been feeling a void in for a very long time. 

I thought there would be more to this, when I walked out of the Tom Baker there was no red carpet, trumpets playing, hands clapping, drummers marching, cheerleaders cheering....nothing.  Just me and my empty feelings of no where to go.  What do I do now?  I will not be returning here in 21 days, However I will not be returning to work either and I know I still have two weeks of feeling like shit so....what now?

I have been so positive through all of this but I must admit, it has not been easy! 

Relationships have changed, some got stronger, some are no longer there. 

I have changed.

My way of thinking is no longer the same and I think more in depth these days, I think with purpose.  I dream more these days and remember them as well, for what reason I do not know.  I must admit my relationship with God these days is stronger and we talk quite regularly.  I care about things in a different way, I want to help people that are in my situation.  I value my time more, I take time to cuddle my dogs and Dave in the mornings rather than jumping out of bed right away.  I smell my coffee and food before indulging.  While this all sounds very cliche it is very true!

BYE BYE CHAIR!!!!

The Hard Feelings I Dont Like Sharing

It is hard to explain since there are so many great people around me and having Dave attend two chemo's with me and my amazing Porshia to the other don't get me wrong I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, but there was something missing not ever having a blood relative sitting next to me and unfortunately a sadness that came with that.  Perhaps this had something to do with the fact that every time I had chemo I was under the understanding that my Mom and Dad would be by my side and while I wouldn't argue with them leaving Calgary the day before my treatments I was extremely hurt and felt a sense of unworthiness.  Always feeling like my treatments weren't important or worth sticking around for and in all honest that hurts alot.  I have never wrote about it and didn't think that I would but when all of this began my parents were my number one supporters and they planned to move in with us temporarily to make sure I would be okay and unfortunately it did not work out that way I felt like through my treatment I was constantly disappointing my Mom and I didn't know how to fix that or make it go away and it was wearing on me every day, there was nothing I could do to make this disappointment of Cancer go away.

Young Adult Cancer Canada

I am sooooo excited to have found this website community of young adults diagnosed with cancer that provides information, support, skills and opportunity.

When I was diagnosed the hardest part was trying to find sources that I could relate to, how are people my age dealing with this, were they able to have children after, how did they and are they coping....

My profile on YACC is listed here and is one of my ways of hopefully touching others my age as the people on this website were able to touch me.
http://www.youngadultcancer.ca/community/profiles_archive/beige_plotts-waldner/

I am also sooooo excited and proud to say that I have registered for the Retreat Yourself with my best friend Ashley from May 3-7th in Morley, AB where I will get to share my experience with others my age as well as hear from them and make new friends!

A few thoughts on Cancer

So today on the local news they were talking about a study to find the casue of cancer, apparently this will be the largest study they have done to date and they are looking for people between 35-50 who have never had cancer to partake in this study.  Which got me thinking about my cancer.  At 26 years old and being a triple negative we can certainly rule a few things out so I am not ER/PR or HER2 positive which leaves all medical professionals guessing why exactly I; a 26 year old healthy female have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, lastly they will test for a genetic mutation called BRCA these results take a year to get back and should they come back I will have a high chance of developing ovarian cancer through my lifetime.

So...can I blame myself for anything? 

• Did I develop breast cancer because of the 13 years that I smoked?  (yes I started smoking at 13). 
• Did I develop breast cancer because I lived my whole life overweight until I was 24?
• Did I develop breast cancer because I induldged in alchol as recent studies show is a factor in breast cancer?

If any of you out there are going through this with me, please stop asking yourself these questions!  I know it is natural to question these things and try to place blame on someone or something but you need to focus on more important questions right now.

• What can I do to get better?
• How can I prevent a recurrence?
• Why did this happen to me and how can I help others in my situation?
• What can I do in the future to make a differnce?

My answer to this is simple, it is a transition but at this time if I can help inspire others through writing I am accomplishing one of the tasks I have set out to do. 

My next steps I  at this time.

- Make appointment with my surgeon to have my second breast removed and discuss reconstruction.
- Wait three years and begin trying to have children, if we are successful - Jump with joy!
- After children if I am BRCA positive I will choose to have a hysterectomy.

I have quit smoking, I live a healthy lifestyle, I have eliminated toxic people from my life, I smile and laugh daily (which I beleive is the best medicine of all!) and I am doing all I can do medically to remain cancer free.

Never think statistics apply to you. What happens to you will happen to you 100 per cent of the time, and not even the best doctors can predict that. 

Honeymoon's a comin!

I am getting so excited to think that in a week and a half the chemo will be over and done with and I can begin thinking about other things such as reconstruction, returning to work and enjoying my muchly deserved honeymoon with my amazing husband...now on to the really important question...where the hell does a 26 year old find a mastectomy bikini????  All these mastectomy bathing suits are made for older ladies!!!!


GRRRRRR

BAD BLOGGER!

Wow!  I am going to make a commitment to update my blog more often!  I keep running into people

So much time has passed and before I knew it here I am almost done my chemo journey and have failed to blog.  I may be a senior administrator for Information Technology Management but Technology sure has taken a back burner to my life these days as with well...seems like everything!

I am currently on cycle 3 of 4 with chemotherapy and proud to post that I will be finished with chemotherapy on January 17th when I visit the Tom Baker for my last administration!

So.....where to begin....

Chemotherapy Administrations
When I was first diagnosed with Cancer at the end of September and was told that I would be receiving chemotherapy after my mastectomy Dave and I prepared for the worst!  We made arrangements for my mom and dad to move in with us for the duration of my treatment, moved our house all around so that they would be comfortable and have their own room, I sacrificed my office that I waited six years to have.  We bought a bed in breakfast tray and a high nightstand for accessibility to everything beside me assuming I would be spending a lot of time in my bed.  We stocked our pantry with lots of soup, ensure, crackers and gingerale assuming that I would not be eating very much and I amped up my diet for three weeks to gain a little weight anticipating that I would drop down in weight during chemotherapy.  BOY WERE WE WRONG.

On December 27th I received chemo administration number three of four.  My body reacts the same to chemo every time, I suffer from a five day hangover in which I am extremely hungry and eat everything in sight, day five is the worst and my body aches and then I wake up on day six perfectly fine.  About a week and a half after my chemo administration I cant sleep.  Yesterday I was awake for 47 hours straight WITH tons of energy.  On these days I try my damdest to sleep but even if I sleep for a couple hours I wake up at three or four in the morning, make myself breakfast and get a burst of energy and clean the entire house and when this spell is over I go back into the Tom Baker for happy hour and leave there with my hangover.

Chemotherapy has given me no complications since I ended up in the hospital with my fever and zero neutrophils during round one.  I have a rash that has appeared on my back and have lost my hair (which already started to grow back immediately after it fell our).

The only complication I feel that came with chemotherapy is my appearance.  I haven't been working out as much as I did prior to my cancer diagnosis and as a result my stomach has become quite "flabby".  I have gained seven pounds (during the holidays).  I am hungry constantly.  My eyes are red.  My skin is dry. My face breaks out regularly.  Oh...and I seem to be missing a boob!  :)

Most recently the biggest problem that I am facing is where to go after my treatment is all said and done.  I have been struggling ALOT with this.  I have so many questions.

- Will I be able to have children?
- How long to I wait to make sure I will be cancer free before having kids?
- Will I have a recurrence?
- Do I reconstruct before or after children?
- When will I go back to work?
- Since I had no symptoms during chemo will I suffer from post chemo symptoms?
- If I am not a chemo patient anymore who am I?

All of these questions are not answerable therefore I continue to struggle with them.  I have recently began reading a book called Picking Up the Pieces and it has made me realize that everyone who has been diagnosed with cancer has these same questions.  You are no longer able to run from Cancer once it has touched your life.  Having Cancer and having it cured it not your get out of jail free card, you are still just as much at risk to get another kind of cancer as the rest of the world is except yours will be called a recurrence.  Of course I commit myself to a healthy lifestyle of diet and excercise but this thought will not go away!


The ups and downs
When I was first diagnosed I cried and then...I picked my ass back up!  I realized quickly that that cry did not cure my cancer and other than giving me big bags under my eyes and snot running down my face it did nothing for me. 

I would like to be able to report that that was the last time that I cried but that would be a false statement.  There has been many emotions in the last three months but for the most part my spirits have remained high with a positive attitude towards a great outcome.

There was one night that Dave was late coming home from work, he wasn't answering his phone and I had supper ready, he was always home at the same time and I was getting worried.  I had gone upstairs and put on my makeup and wig and decided that tonight during dinner I was going to look beautiful for my amazing husband.  Dave however had decided to stop in quickly at a friends house and forgot his phone in the truck, before he knew it an hour had gone by and he called me to tell me he was on his way home.  When he got home I had a complete breakdown about how I made myself look pretty just to have him not appreciate me and come home late and now supper was dry because it had overcooked and on and on and on.  I lost myself...I fell on the bathroom floor and had a massive breakdown.   None of this of course had anything to do with Dave stopping to have a beer with his friend or about supper being dry and if I was crying because I made myself look good well then I need to reconsider that one because I should be making myself look and feel good EVERYDAY.  I was just simply crying...to be crying!  And again as I reintroduced myself to the baggy eyes and snot running down my face I gave myself a mental slap and sat down at the dinner table realizing that laying on the bathroom floor and falling apart had not cured my cancer and did absolutely nothing for me.

One thing that came with my cancer diagnosis was a wake up call.  A wake up call to realize that you do not need to have people in your life just simply to have them there and if people in your life make you miserable...why are they apart of it?  I can proudly say that Dave experienced this wake up call with me.  We were happily married on October 9th in a small ceremony, yes we were happy to get married and yes we thought it was a beautiful wedding but none the less there was an unfortunate circumstance to our wedding...I was having a mastectomy five days after our wedding.  We announced to all of our family and friends that while our wedding was going to be very intimate we would be having a large reception when my chemotherapy was over and done with and I was feeling better so that we could "celebrate" properly.  With this announcement came my wake up call.  It is now clear to me that when people decide to get married it doesn't matter what YOUR wishes are someone is always going to be pissed off!

While we have had amazing people come into our lives during this journey and have made many new friends and discovered just how great some of our friends are, we have also experienced the opposite of this, we have also had people that have become less active in our lives that were a big part of it before all of this.  And we are ok with that, infact, Dave and I have never been happier!  We have discovered how important and close to our family we are and have made a huge effort to be a big part of their lives as well as some very close friends that we value greatly!  Personally, I myself now have a new feeling towards relationships, it is okay to be acquaintances with people and if you have mutual friends, be civil at gatherings, however, there are many people that I feel have caused conflict in my life and I have struggled for years to resolve this conflict.  Simply put, you just aren't meant to be friends with some people and I have put so much energy and time into trying that I just cant do it anymore, my time and energy now needs to focus on myself, my family, things and people I love and living life to the fullest NOT to putting a constant effort into something that never was or that I know just will never be there!  This realization is compliments of my amazing husband that has opened my eyes to so many things since my diagnosis, the endless nights that we spend talking about what is important to us and where we want to see our lives in the future.


Where do I go from here?
On January 17th I will walk into the Tom Baker without my husband by my side as he is away at work for what will be my last chemotherapy treatment.  I have read that these are not uncommon feelings to not know where exactly you belong at this point but what I do wish is that for one day I could go through my day without the word Cancer popping into my head!