A bump in the road

A cancer survivor gets the joy of not only going to the doctor for yearly check ups but many of us are now faced with visits every three or six months for the rest of our lives.  My medical schedule happens to be once every six months. 

Thank god I can say that I am married and thankful that this breast poke doesn't just come around twice a year.  Something that I know many of my young cancer survivor buddies have to deal with, a loss in sex life if you are single.  After all, how sexy can you possibly be dressed up in your lingerie only to take it off and have your breast prosthesis fall to the floor with it with a huge thump, guaranteed that thing weights 10 pounds!  lets all take a minute to picture how humiliating this moment is...

To my single surviving one boobed amigos, hold in there, the day will come that you either A) find an amazing man with who you will one day be comfortable with or B) have amazing implants that will help you to be comfortable with yourself.

Now that I have had my unnecessary out of topic rant, lets get to the bump in the road.  Today is September 24th, I have four days to go until I relive that day when Dr. Hicks informed me that I did infact have cancer.  I am not sure yet how I am going to take this day that is coming soon but I do know that it will be an emotional one. 

Thursday September 20th was my second boob check up and what I thought would be my final exam before my return to work.  My life has been a whirlwind in the last six months and I have to admit I went off the deep end a little bit experiencing survivor hood in ways that I thought would be fulfilling in life, these things were so selfish and life altering not realizing that what I needed and wanted in life was right there the whole time.  At this visit my doctor was more concerned over my mental well being more than anything as she has followed my down ward spiral in the last year.  We talked alot about where life was at this point and that it is starting to look up and I am beginning to feel like myself again, her concerns about my mental health quickly faded when the three inch lump in my remaining breast was discovered.  Dr. hicks looked at me with sadness in her eyes as she said "I am sorry to have to tell you this again". 

The next day I was in emergency appointments and scheduled for a mammogram as well as an ultrasound.  Growing up I always imagined going to ultrasound appointments with tears in my eyes and an overwhelming sense of joy as I sat there and watched my baby wiggle and jiggle inside of me, while the tears were there the sense of joy was an extreme sense of fear and I felt awful for the people in this office that had to watch me bawling for the next hour.  Tears ran down my whole body as I underwent my second mammogram at the age of 27, never thinking I would be doing this again exactly a year later.  And during my ultrasound I eagerly watched the screen looking for that same black hole looking picture that revealed my cancer a year ago.  NOTHING.  The ultrasound technician said everything looked normal and I replied yes I see that.  She brought the doctor in to double check and he had the same news for me.  A small sense of relief was given to me as I walked out of the office, however I had two hours to eagerly await the call from Dr. Hicks with the results.  Me and my girlfriend Wendy went for lunch and in two hours I was informed that there was infact nothing revealed on these tests, however, as I sit here and write this blog post I am waiting to be scheduled for an MRI and Dr. Hicks will also be calling my plastic surgeon to bump me up the line and have this breast removed. 

While I am happy to be bumped up in appointments, a big part of me is also PISSED OFF!!!!  I told them a year ago I wanted both breasts removed and all of my medical team thought I was speaking out of fear and that removing both breasts was a little rational.  Please let me explain...that at 26 years old you do not want to face this again, its easier to live with NO breasts than to have to face the reality of finding another lump...yet...at 27 here I am...another lump, another bump in the road, more fear, more sense of failing my husband and family, more tears, more heartache and more surgeries to come.  NOW please tell me that you thought I was speaking out of fear or being irrational a year ago!