Being a Thankful Survivor...now when do the tears stop?

Well...here I am!  Wide awake because for the past week I have been suffering from the worst insomnia I ever thought possible!  Yesterday while awake at 3 am I decided to google natural cures for insomnia and almost all websites pointed to the same answer....THERAPY. 

What the hell?  I don't need therapy!  I need sleep!  Nothing a little melatonin cant fix right!  ................WRONG!  3 extra strengh melatonin for the life of me cannot knock me out this week, so what the hell is my problem?

Three am today I wake up and toss and turn with achy legs so I decide to get out of bed and have a bath.  For some reason I have always found great comfort in baths when I am sick or upset and often reminisce about the time when I was about seven or eight years old...pretty sure I was dying from the plague.  I had a terrible flu and my mom was working nights so my sister Holly was watching me.  She had put up with me moaning and groaning and crying all night and while usually very attentative with me, she had had enough this night and was exhausted taking care of sick lil me!  At three am I whined "I wanna have a bath".  I laugh every time I think about this...Holly looked at me and said, "its the middle of the night you are not having a damn bath now go lay down and go to sleep!!!"
Approximately five minutes later little sick Beige was moaning and groaning....IN HER BATH THAT HOLLY WAS RUNNING HER!

For some reason this memory has always stuck with me and every time I have a bath for the reason of being upset, sick or for relaxation I think about this day. 

Today's 3 am bath was a little different.  As unexplainable tears ran down my face and I wept with an overwhelming heaviness in my heart I lied in my bath thinking about what is wrong with me.  Taking the time to actually look deep within and think about things that could possibly be bothering me that I am ignoring however are having a great effect on my subconscious mind it occurred to me....Tomorrow is my first cancerversary.  I've talked to other survivors and read many blogs about others and their cancerversaries and in most cases it has been a happy day.  Some even celebrate with a cake every year and almost ALL acknowledge the day in some shape or form of celebration. 

For some reason my first cancerversary is hitting me different than I assumed it would.  I thought I would be celebrating and filled with joy, jumping up and down praising the lord that the year is over, on to the next!  Without even realizing the emotional effect this has been taking on my body in the last week I have turned into a sleep deprived emotional train wreck and had no idea why. 

I am a woman, I'll be the first to admit that we all get a little emotional at times for stupid reasons.  Maybe the last piece of cheese from your delicious little cheese and cracker snack fell on the floor and the dog ate it before you could pick it up and honor the five second rule to enjoy it with your last cracker on your plate, no doubt, thanks to the dog's greediness you are now broke out in a full on breakdown because what the hell are you going to do with a dry ol' cracker and no cheese...as you throw the cracker at the dog and cry out "might as well have that too you asshole...ENJOY" it hits you...what the hell was that all about?  Did I really just have a full on mental breakdown because the dog ate my last piece of cheese?  Perhaps there may be an underlying issue that lead to this little breakdown or  perhaps we are just simply women and yes...occasionally we have little breakdowns like this for no reason.

This week was KIND OF the same.  I have not been sleeping, I start crying at the drop of a hat MANY times a day with no explanation and I have a heavy heart. 

Sitting in my bath I decided to take it upon myself to acknowledge that perhaps I may have an underlying issue...and it hit me...The hot water somehow opened my mind and memory and I began to recall events of the week that didn't make sense at the time.  A breakdown when I was getting dressed and seen the nighty my mom bought me after surgery with buttons all down the front because I couldn't pull anything over my head, unpacking and washing blankets and finding my snoogle that gave me relief to sleep by supporting my arm during recovery, moving all my summer clothes to storage and taking the time to look at all of my bikini tops that I haven't worn in over a year because they don't have special pockets for a water boob to be inserted into, an email from two cancer buddies that I haven't talked to in quite some time,  and last but not least taking a pregnancy test hoping to reveal that there is a reason I am gaining weight and a secret hope that I see two lines and know that all issues with fertility and the fear of never having children are gone (the test was negative, I'm in the clear to have my MRI however in the blue with just simply getting fat and not being able to blame it on the baby. 

All of these things on most days would seem pretty normal to any other 27 year old woman, I mean a nighty, bikini tops, a pillow and a pregnancy test...none of those are a big deal and certainly not anything to cry over....but for me it is.  It occurred to me today that these are all very big deals and they are the reasons I have been crying all week and not realized it at the time.  All of these things are directly related to my cancer diagnosis and recovery.  So...I've been living with this and coping fairly well for a year, why are these things bothering me so bad now?  Duh Beige...you just had a scare on Thursday (five days ago) with the possibility of another tumor in your remaining breast and without realizing it all week I've been suppressing the emotions and ignoring that fact that tomorrow it will be one year to the date that I was diagnosed. 

As I am writing this I am amazed at how my mind chose to ignore this, something this big, something I SHOULD be celebrating and yet I am not, instead it is eating away at my mind and subconscious mind, making me emotional and not to mention that fact that all week I have been reliving that day without even realizing it.  Trying to suppress the memory and forget it ever happened.  Seems easy enough, humans hide their feelings all the time and suppress memories of loosing a loved one or a pet, a tragedy in life, etc.  However, trying to suppress the memory of my cancer is not as easy to do when every morning I wake up, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror and cancer slaps me in the face.  THERE IT IS...EVERY MORNING!  My short hair that I have yet to cut, huge black circles under my eyes, bad skin that's dehydrated, the 15 pounds I gained during chemo and a scar from my armpit to the middle of my flat unwomanly chest do not allow me to escape reality and suppress the memory of my cancer. 

I hope other survivors truly are happy when their cancerversaies come around and I hope that perhaps my next fifty or so will be easier than the first was for me this year cause I'd be lying if I said I am overwhelmed with joy and happiness knowing its been a year.  I am thankful that I am here to write this thanks to amazing medicine and a great team of doctors but tomorrow will without a doubt be one of the hardest most emotional days of my life.

As I close this blog I will be getting out of bed to pack my bag, get in the car and drive three hours to Sparwood BC where at 7 pm I will greet my husband from his day of work and know that no matter how emotional today may be....He's gonna love me through it.