Before our honeymoon I was involved in a Breast Cancer support group, for any of you out there who are not involved in one, I suggest you do this, it kept me strong. That support group ended in March and Dave and I went on our two week honeymoon in Cuba. Upon our return home things were ok for a while but then I started to emotionally fall apart inside. Instead of talking to anyone about the pain, fear and emotions I was feeling I felt like everyone in my life had gone through enough heartache with me in the last year and they didn't need to hear my bitching about the heartaches and fears that were overwhelming me so I chose to bottle it all up inside. It didn't take very long for the bottled up emotions to cause me to fly off the deep end and the downward spiral began.
The start of all of it involved a break up with my husband. I told him in May that I wanted a divorce. The next few months I spent looking for a place to go and packing my things up slowly and reluctantly. Burgandy left Calgary in June to go to Drayton Valley for the summer and spend some time with the family that raised her. When she left she told me she wanted to come back and she wanted to continue living in Calgary with me, my search for places to live was then very focused around Burgandy, around getting her into a good school, a place where getting a job would be convenient and a place that I could afford with her.
In August Burgandy informed me that she would not be coming back to Calgary and that she had made this decision a while ago but didn't know how to tell me and that she would infact be moving to Fort Mac with her boyfriend. My heart sank. After everything that I was experiencing in life right now to also feel like I had failed her was the icing on the cake. I sat here for almost a week straight in tears fearful that Burgandy was going to ruin her life and why the things that I had done for her were not good enough. In the end, Burgandy moved in with a family member from her Dad's side whom she has never met and the feeling that I have failed her and that she will be in a downward spiral much like I have has yet to pass.
It was a good three months through the summer that Dave and I had minimal communication, while I was still living in our house, we were not talking every day like the happy married couple we once were. I was lost, I felt alone, I was unhappy. Why should Dave have to be brought down in life too because I couldn't have a handle on my emotions. Why should he have to live with someone who cries at times for no reason at all, who fears their life everyday and chooses to sabotage themselves rather than embracing the happiness and joys that they have in their life. None of this was fair to him. He has always supported me in every aspect of my life, loved me unconditionally and would give me the world so didn't he deserve someone who would do this for him in return?
I'm not saying I wouldn't give Dave the world, I am just saying that I was so sad that I didn't care to try.
I would like to think that everything in life happens for a reason.
During the three month separation I was involved in an Internet scam and lost $1600.00 when I placed a damage deposit on a place to rent. After telling my story to the landlord and placing the deposit, he still look my money and ran, I am on long term disability right now and that was the only $1600.00 I had that month, I risked living with no groceries to place that deposit. This was a huge eye opener to me to realize that people can be so heartless and have no empathy towards others situations, and yet, here I was, doing the exact same thing to Dave, being heartless.
For better or worse....I guess the answer is both! Nobodies marriage is perfect and they are all going to have their problems, I am thankful to have the most understanding, forgiving and loving husband in the world who supports and loves me through anything. Believe me, I know how blessed I am with this fact alone!
As I close this comment I would like to clarify, Dave and I are sorting through our issues, we are very happy together, we have an unconditional love for each other that is undying (I love that man with everything that is in me). I hope that everyone can understand that Dave and I choosing to work through the hard times only makes us stronger in the long run, it proves that our love for each other is undying and I ask that everyone respect our decisions to live together for better or worse.
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