Where to Begin....

It is so hard to believe that I have taken no time to write in my blog since February.  My mind has been in a whirlwind and while I sit and reminisce that life has been busy and try to make the excuses of why I have not been doing the things I cared about....reality hits....life has not been busy....rather, it has been ignored.  A harsh reality that I did not want to face set everything that I cared about, everything that I enjoyed on the back burner, while I carelessly "flew off the deep end". 

The last couple months have been filled with so many ups and downs and while I look back I realized that at the time of what I thought were positive things, were so many downfalls and brought my life nowhere forward.  Living everyday carelessly and allowing alot of people I care about to slip away in fear that someday my cancer may return and when it does, perhaps it would be better if I had already pushed them away rather than having them loose me at a time that we were closest to each other. 

so lets see where to begin...

Dave and I went to Cuba in March for two weeks to celebrate our honeymoon, it was an amazing vacation, however in Cuba, I still could not escape the harsh reality of what I had gone through in the last year.  While I put on my strong front and we had an amazing time, there were so many things running through my mind at all times. 

• Why at 26 years old should I feel uncomfortable in my honeymoon lingerie because of my lopsided and scared chest. 
• A two week vacation in which I have all of two bathing suit tops to choose from because before leaving the room I must first shove a waterproof fake breast in a full coverage bathing suit top, a top that is two sizes too big for me, just so I can hide my scars and pretend to be as real as a woman as the rest on the beach.
• And last but not least, my buzz cut that had just started to grow back at that time was the biggest reason I could not escape reality on my honeymoon.  I had many people approaching us daily asking id I had had cancer, while they were eager to share their own stories of how cancer had affected their lives and how strong and courageous they thought I was, I just wanted one day to be "Beige and Dave"...in a cancer free world. 

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Shortly after the return from our honeymoon, tragedy struck, and while I am not willing to talk about it (it had nothing to do with cancer in any form).  Things went downhill in my marriage.  I went into a deep hole and could not escape the fact that the cancer would maybe return one day, and if it had I wanted to know that I had lived each day to the fullest, not realizing at the time, that living life to the fullest to me actually means loving someone with your whole heart, realizing that they love you and accepting the wonderful life that has been handed to you.  I became reckless and careless about many things and let a lot of things slip through my fingers by hurting many people I cared about....again...the thought in my head that perhaps if I were able to push everyone away before the return of my cancer would be the best thing, because if they were not in my life, they would not be hurt. 

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So much has happened in the last five months, most of which I am not proud of, I hope that by getting back on my blog today, this will be a new beginning to the stronger happier me that I once was.  Accepting of love, friendships and being grateful for the amazing things that god has handed to me that I have so often taken for granted. 

followers.....please welcome me back and I hope you are all doing amazing!