My Relationship with my Cotton Boob

So the breast clinic gave me a temporary prosthesis.  Basically it is a cotton ball that I shove in my bra.  For those of you that know me, this sickens me, for those of you that dont...cotton makes me gag, puke and lightheaded...dont ask why!

I am not able to get a prosthesis until all of my swelling has subsided. 

What can I say about this cotton ball of mine???

It hurts when it is against my scar for one.  And for another, it is extremely embarrasing when you are sitting there talking to friends and dont even realize this thing thinks for itself and decides to come half way out of your bra and shirt.  I feel like a 13 year old teenager again trying to amp up my chest for the simple fact that that is what society expects  of chests...to be big...

Dear Society,

You are clearly not a woman, for if you were you would realize, they are not all that fun.  They get in the way, they get wet when you wash dishes, they get dirty when you eat and they flop all over when you sleep. 

Sincerely,

One Breasted Beige

;)

Theres my humor for the day folks.  ENJOY!

Me and My Open Mind

I have a willingness to share...I think it helps others cope in their situations by reading what others go through.  I know myself, yesterday researched hair loss and found a blog, I was releived to read about peoples experiences and how I could prepare myself.  Apparently loosing your hair hurts.  Your fair follicles let loose and it is uncomfortable and itchy and sore.  Bless these people who could prepeare me for what I am about to go through.  Others...arent as willing to share.

A couple days ago I was updating my blog and posted a picture of my scar on here.  I was advised that it was not a good idea and that it was a little risky.  Personally, to me there is nothing sexual about my scar, there is no breast there, and I personally think it is BEAUTIFUL!  This is my sign of being cancer free and I wear it proudly! 

When I found this picture on line, I couldnt help but share it, I am not sure what the advertisement is for as it is not in english, however, it portrays exactly how I feel at this time in my life!  This woman is smiling, happy and loved and wears her scar proudly.  This is exactly how I feel.  Every night I crawl into bed with my husband and watch for a reaction from my right side flopping around like it has a mind of its own, and my left side, nothing.  Every night its the same thing...I kiss goodnight, a cuddle and sweet spoken words of love.  There is no reaction.  I am loved, I am beautiful and much like the woman in this picture, I wear my scar proud.

From Beige to Pink Benefit

Join us on November 10 at MING EAT DRINK (520 17th Ave SW, Calgary) as we celebrate Beige Waldner in From Beige to Pink - tickets are $30/each and include appies. There will be a silent auction and the opportunity to share your love and support with Beige in person. go to http://www.frombeigetopink.yolasite.com/ for more information or to pre-purchase your tickets!

The Good and Bad in Life

Today is a sad day as well as a happy day for me.

SAD - My baby neice turned 18 today :(  I rememer holding her when she was a baby and watching her grow up, I cant beleive what a beautiful woman she has become!

HAPPY - I had my follow up appointment with Dr. Kanashiro today here is the latest news...

- Confirmed, NO lymph nodes affected.
- There was not alot of area that wasnt removed during my September 13th lumpectomy, there was only about 1 mm more aftected that they discovered, however, I am still happy with my decision to have a FULL mastectomy, and this is something I will never regret.
- ER/PR results are both good and bad, apparently the result is negative with a tiny bit of postive, this means I may still have to do the 5 years of tomaxaphil (sp?).  If this is the case, that means that Dave and I are deffinalty out of the baby making department for the next six years.
- And lastly, STAGE 1....although this dosent really mean anything becasue there are so many factors that go into staging cancer, I have anxiously been awaiting this result, as when people hear you have cancer their first comment is "oh no, what stage?"  It appears a little strange to people when you walk around aimlessly not knowing what "stage" you are in, I was almost prepared to just make something up if I hadnt got this result soon :)

Cancer I did not give you the right,
To invade my body and take a bite.
This is my body and with all my might,
I will prevail with one hell of a fight.
To the cancer inside, I will battle and kill.
For that is my body's God given will.
To my cancer, these words I do send.
Your life is short and near the end.

Count your Blessings

Moto of the Day: 
Hair is a blessing, if you have it...DO IT

Life's Healers

My days are spent resisting the urge to clean, cook and do anything that involves lifting over five pounds.  This is without a doubt one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life...to hold myself back! 

People ask how I am feeling and the only answer I have is I am feeling great, but I am frustrated!  Frustrated at my lack of mobility and dependency on others.  While I know they are there for me and I cannot thank them enough, I am the one that always seems to be the glue.

I can tell you this, the thing that keeps me going throughout the day are my two babies!  My mello I(pictured) and my shadow who sit and talk to me all day long and never leave my side.  Dogs have an amazing ability to heal and make the soul feel at ease.



If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them.  When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope?  We have two options, medically and emotionally:  give up, or fight like hell. 
~Lance Armstrong

The unveiling of the Non-Breast

Home from the hospital and unsure of what to think about what may be under this gauze.  One thing I know is that every time I move my non existent nipple is causing me some severe pain!  Everyone thinks its rather humerus when I cry "UUUGHHH MY NIPPLE!" 

Its 9:00 at night and I am finally ready to reveal what is under the dressing to myself, my family, and my husband.  My mom and I go to the washroom and take the dressing off.  I am AMAZED, rather intrigued actually and a part of me even thinks its rather beautiful.  This is a beautiful thing, this is health!

I call Dave in and ask him if he is ready and he says yes.  When I open my nightgown and reveal it to him he says "wow, its nothing like I expected!"  I guess when you have a picture like Dave did in your head you would be pleasantly surprised to see a beautiful clean incision across the chest.  Dave pictured something like the doctor grabbing my breast, pulling it out and taking a machete, hacking it off and leaving it like that to heal, so of course he was surprised to see a beautiful little non existent breast!  And I was happy to see that he was pleased.

This is me, I am beautiful, happy, content and ready to rule life!

Surgery Day

Today is October 14, 2011.  I wake up at 5:00 am with butterflies in my stomach knowing that within an hour I will be admitted into the hospital.  My wonderful husband wakes up and wraps his arm around me and kisses me good morning, we lay there for five minutes and take in the moment between us. 

6:00 am I am admitted to Day Surgery Unit 22 at the Peter Laugheed Hospital.  I change into my gown and relax in Dave's arms waiting to go to the OR.  I am the first one in for surgery that day.  Hours go by and slowly things are happening, I get my IV inserted, paper work filled out, all the good stuff.  at 8:50 I kiss my husband goodbye and sob on my way to the OR feeling sorry for the lady driving my bed, however, she is so sweet and understanding, everyone around me at this time feels like my family. 

The OR is just as scary as it looks on TV, there are bright lights and its a large room with a small little bed in the middle.  I hop on over to the OR bed and try lighten the mood by laughing with the nurses and doctors.  Dr. Kanashiro comes in and does her speech...it goes a little something like this...

I am Dr. Kanashiro

You are Beige Plotts

You are having a full Left Mastectomy, correct?

Yes

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

That is all that I remember until I woke up in recovery and was wheeled back to see my beautiful husbands face greet me at my bedside.  A short visit from Dave, my mom and dad and I was ready for another nap!  Later that day another visit from all of them including Burgandy and my best friend Ash.  I am in good spirits, laughing and joking and generally feel great!

Dr. Kanashiro came to visit me in the Day Surgery Unit with the best news we could have ever heard.  "The surgery went well, the lymph nodes were not affected".  The only thing she said was that it was black however, but there was no cancer in it.  THANK YOU GOD!

About 3:30 that day I was sitting up in bed and see a lady being wheeled in from recovery, it is none other than the friend I met the day before during my Scintography- Her name was Brenda. 

Brenda and I talked alot that day and the next morning.  She has two children - 14 years old and 7 years old and I hope that her daughter and Burgandy will be able to help each other through this journey. 

At 6:00 am the day after surgery us three women in Unit 22 were wide awake and feeling rather chatty, we had the nurses open our curtains and began chatting each others ears off.  There was myself, Brenda and our other neighbor Kris who was a 67 year old vibrant woman who had already undergone her chemotherapy and just underwent her double mastectomy.  Kris was an inspiration like non other with her English accent and upbeat attitude, she constantly told the nurses there was no need for pain killers that she felt no need to poison herself.  When I was getting ready to leave Kris made sure to tell me and Brenda that if we had not yet seen the Grand Canyon to make sure that we do so shortly that there is nothing like seeing a bird rise from hundreds of feet below you and see it rise above your head.  She made sure that we pay attention to the engineering when we go and wonder to ourselves how they get hot water and plumping in the bathrooms there, that nothing should go unnoticed and everything should be explored.   

I exchanged my contact information with Brenda and promised to keep in contact with her, that we could do some education classes together, and I was on my way.

Scintography and Realization

Today I attended the PLC where I underwent Scintography, for all of you women out there, this is not a pleasant procedure and to put it lightly, they shoot two needles of die into your areola and it bubbles up in the skin underneath, you then get the pleasure of massaging your boob for ten minutes while they explain what will happen next (definitely the highlight of my day is a self boob massage - wheres my new husband when I need him :P

Upon my return to the PLC two hours later I looked down at the lady next to me and noticed the black canvas zip pouch that I also have, I looked up at her and said "lots of reading hey".  Almost in shock that I knew what it was she started to talk, she to was going in for surgery tomorrow and would be undergoing a lumpectomy, we never got to talk any more but it never fails, everyone I talk to the question is always in the back of my mind - why am I undergoing more than them?

It was my turn, it was explained that  I would get a five minute picture taken of myself, I am assuming this is the most unflattering picture that has ever been taken of me, and everyone around me knows I love the camera and those self shots for a new facebook profile picture everyday. 

A big thank you goes out to the nurses at the PLC in the nuclear medicine department, I was teary eyed walking in, teary eyed changing, teary eyed talking and not once did their compassion for me fail.  They were so understanding, caring and genuinely "real" that it made me feel comfortable and even gave me a hug at the end of it all.

Today, I realized what tomorrow will bring....

My Decision

October 11, 2011
Today I called Dr. Kanashiro's office to let them know that I have decided to sign a new consent, instead of having a partial mastectomy I have decided to undergo a full mastectomy, infact I am going back and forth on having a bi-lateral mastectomy and I have until Thursday to make this decision (2 days). 

My mom made a good statement when she said "you cut down a thistle and the root is still there"



October 12, 2011
Today Dr. Kanashiro called me back to speak regarding my surgery.  She confirmed that I will be having a full mastectomy as per my request and that we would sign a new consent on Friday morning before surgery.  When she asked why I had changed my mind I simply stated that the literature she supplied me with made it very clear that the life time effects of radiation are always with you where as the effects of chemotherapy subside, she agreed. 

However, I was also informed that should they discover the cancer has spread to four or more lymph nodes I will undergo radiation anyways.  The sound of shakiness in her voice constantly worries me and I wonder if there is something they are not telling me, is this cancer worse than they are letting on?

Thank You to Everyone who made our dream come true

TARA GRANT

Tara is an amazing lady whom I had not met until the day of my wedding, we got in contact through a mutual friend connection and she kindly donated everything she could and made our dream a reality.  Tara dabbles in many fields of interest including photography, wedding coordination, fitness competitions and many more!

On our special day Tara donated items to decorate the hall, her time and took pictures throughout the day. 

Cancer has touched Tara's life as well, her husband is a cancer survivor.  I cannot wait to bring blessings to peoples lives and be able to pay it forward as Tara did for me.

taraway@hotmail.com
(403) 948-4663

TRICIA MULEK

Tricia Mulek from Strathmore, AB made and donated our wedding cake.

triciascakes@gmail.com







FRIENDS AND FAMILY

The support system that I have is absolutley incredible!!!!

Special mention needs to go out to the two people who stood by our side on our wedding day as my Maid of Honor and Dave's best man, Ashley Spink and Mark Waldner!  They have been by our side through thick and thin for the last 6 and a half years!  We cannot thank them enough for everything they do for us!

Kait Dinunzio is an incredible individual who I had the honor of working with at Husky and developing a personal relationship outside of work.  Kait put me in contact with Madigan who photographed our wedding and Tricia who made our cake. 

On another note, Kait is also planning a benefit in my honor in November and has set up a website from her point of view www.frombeigetopink.yolasite.com

My amazing planning committee, Lisa Aitken, Jennifer Weiss, Julia Gross, Jennifer Raymond, Ashley Spink...I could not have done it without any of you!

And of course to the people who stood next to us Mark Waldner, Gideon Waldner, Jerry Gross, Ashley Spink, Holly Stevenson and Burgandy Reeves, there is a reason you were all next to us that day.

Everyone else that was involved and as well as everyone who could not be in attendance but absolutely was not forgotten that day, thank you for being a part of our lifes!

Our Ceremony

Wedding Celebration Of
Beige Plotts
&
David Waldner

Sunday October 9, 2011 6:00 pm
Crystal Shores Beach House
Okotoks, Ab

PROGRAM:Processional – God Gave Me You (Blake Shelton) ~Dave and Mom walk down isle.

Bridal Entrance – Bridal March (Jonathan Cain) ~ Beige and Papa

Welcome

Giving of the Bride

These are the Hands

Vows

Exchange of Rings

Signing of the Register – (Signed Sealed Delivered – Craig David)

Recessional– (Cowboy Take Me Away – Dixie Chicks)

CEREMONY

Welcome

On behalf of Dave and Beige, I would like to extend a warm welcome to all of you gathered here for their marriage. Today this bride and groom will declare their love to the world, and promise their commitment to each other.  Today they open them arms to the adventure that life will bring, secure in the knowledge that they will experience the coming years together.

Giving of the Bride

Being assured of your love as life long companions, and that you have your families blessings, I now ask, who gives this women to be married to this man?

Thank you Jim and Audrey, you may be seated.

These are the Hands

As an expression that you are joined together in love - will you please hold up your hands and hold one another, so you may feel the gift that you are to each other.

These are the hands of your best friend, young and strong and full of love for you, that are holding yours on your wedding day as you promise to love each other today, tomorrow, and forever.
These are the hands that will work alongside yours as together you build your future.
These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch, will comfort you like no other.
These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief fills your mind.
These are the hands that will wipe the tears from your eyes; tears of sorrow and tears of joy.
These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.
These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children.
These are the hands that will help you to hold your family as one.
And lastly, these are the hands that even when wrinkled and aged will still be reaching for yours, still giving you the same unspoken tenderness with just a touch.

Vows
I Dave take you Beige to be my wife.  I promise to walk by your side forever, as your bestfriend, your lover and your soulmate.  I will always put you first; above my own needs and I make this promise to honour these vows we speak today.  For today, tomorrow, and forever, I will love you.  You are my destiny.

I Beige take you Dave to be my husband.  I promise to honor, encourage and support you in our walk together.  I promise to laugh with you and when our path becomes difficult I promise to be your rock, to stand by you and uplift you, because I know that we are stonger together than we are apart.  I promise to love you faithfully for a lifetime, this is my solemn vow to you.

Exchange of Rings: 
As symbols of their commitment, Beige & Dave will now exchange rings. These rings today are bright and shiny.  Over time they will become mellow with some scratches and dents but will take on a warm glow. Their relationship will develop the same warm glow over the years as they share the sparkles, the scratches, and the joys life will give them.

Dave, as you place this ring on Beige’s finger please repeat after me…

Beige, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love; and with all that I am and all that I have, I will love you faithfully and unconditionally
through good times and bad, completely and forever.  Will you accept this ring as a sign of our marriage, and a lasting reminder of the vows made between us today.

Beige, do you accept?

Beige, as you place this ring on Dave’s finger please repeat after me…

Dave, I give you this ring as a symbol of my love; and with all that I am and all that I have, I will love you faithfully and unconditionally
through good times and bad, completely and forever.  Will you accept this ring as a sign of our marriage, and a lasting reminder of the vows made between us today.

Dave, do you accept?

Declaration of Marriage:

Dave & Beige, remember to treat both yourself and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together. Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulty or fear assail your relationship – as they threatened all relationships at one time or another – remember to focus on what is right between you. In this way, you can ride out the times when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives – remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there. And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your lives together, your life together will be marked by abundance and delight.

Give to one another new experiences of joy. Challenge one another so that you may grow. May the love you hold for each other, now sealed in marriage, continue to mature with the passing years. May you never take each other for granted, but always experience the wonder of your union. Be slow to anger, quick to forgive, leaving no tracks of resentment behind each day.

We who are present today, hope that the inspiration of this moment will never be forgotten. May all your days and years to come be filled with vision, joy and passion. May the love you now share continue to grow, and may the happiness you bring to each other be a continuing part of your life together. May you continue to laugh often and enjoy each other every day, steadfast in hope and confidence, believing in yourself and believing in each other. May your love be a sanctuary and a source from which you draw strength to live your lives with enthusiasm and imagination. May the people you touch in your lifetime know how much you love and care for one another and may you love one another forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Family and Friends

Mr. And Mrs. Waldner
You may now kiss the groom!!!!

Signing of the RegisterSigned, Sealed, Delivered I'm Yours (Craig David)

Recessional
Music : Cowboy Take Me Away (Dixie Chicks)

Today I Marry my Best Friend

Today I marry my best friend, my lover, my soulmate.

Dave and Beige Waldner

October 9, 2011

6:00 pm

Crystal Shores Beach House

Okotoks, AB

Today was the most perfect Thanksgiving Sunday I could ask for, a wonderful 14 degrees on this October day.  I slept in till 9:30 and woke up with a smile on my face knowing that today I will marry the love of my life.

I had a relaxing day as the wedding was at 6:00 pm, I got to take my time getting ready and missing Dave as he had slept the night at Jerry and Ashley's house in following all traditions.

Upon arriving at the Beach House I looked up at my dad and said thank you knowing that besides marrying Dave, my biggest dream in my life, to have my dad walk me down the isle and give me away, was coming true. 

It was the most beautiful day, held with all traditions on a short time line.  All traditions were honored including the giving of the bride, self written vows, speeaches, dinner, toasts, clinking of glasses, cake cutting, boquet toss, garter toss and to top it all off Dave carrying me over the threshold...for the record...he opened my head with the door...my romantic dude!

My Soulmate - The EASIEST decision of my life

Today I went to bed and layed down beside Dave.  With tears in my eyes I told him, I dont want to wait for two or three more years to marry him, I want to marry him now. 

We got engaged on December 22, 2010 and began planning our wedding, the date was to be May 4, 2012 in Mayan Riviera Mexico.  My diagnosis made it very clear that I would not be able to go to mexico at this time.

After six and a half years, we began planning our October 9, 2011 wedding.  Many people dont realize what amazing friends and familiy they have, I however, have always known that I have an amazing support system and during this week they proved not only to be amazing, but to be the most kind hearted, hard working, loving people I have ever met.  We were able to plan and pull off the most georgeous wedding I could have ever imagined in 7 days.