My Progress....So Far

In January I underwent the beginning of my reconstruction surgery.  After two and a half long years and two cancellations the time to finally have BOOBS again had come!  During this time I was filled with many mixed emotions as my mom was also in fairly unstable condition in the hospital three and a half hours away from me, I nearly cancelled my surgery for a third time, however, due to her motherly threats and my husbands supportive pep talks, I choose to go under the knife...FINALLY!

January 29, 2014 was the day that I woke up groggy with two little stumps on my chest, it had been a while since I have seen two boobs and many thoughts crossed my mind.... Am I going to be able to walk straight, will people notice my new boobs, will it just look like I have just now hit puberty at 28 years old due to the AAA size under my shirt and most importantly...holy crap...are these things going to SOFTEN UP????

I have now been comfortably living with my spacers in for five and a half months and will get my final implants put in on September 3, 2014.

Here are a few things I have learned about spacers.

- Be careful hugging people, yes they are hard, and yes they do hurt my girlfriends boobs (Whiners, lol)

- At first it feels like you have giant mounds of cement on your chest and when sleeping at night you must first "crack" that cement before attempting to move into a new position.

- It is infact normal for a stitch or two to "escape" from within, it is called teething, and feels unbelievably weird

- As your boobs get bigger every week, your stomach begins to look smaller - BONUS!!!

- and the last bonus.....GOODBYE BRAS!!!!!

My Dad

Shortly after my mom passed away, my dad ended up in the hospital with Guillain-Barre syndrome.

Guillain-Barre (gee-YAH-buh-RAY) syndrome is a rare disorder in which your body's immune system attacks your nerves. Weakness and tingling in your extremities are usually the first symptoms.

These sensations can quickly spread, eventually paralyzing your whole body. In its most severe form Guillain-Barre syndrome is a medical emergency. Most people with the condition must be hospitalized to receive treatment.

The exact cause of Guillain-Barre syndrome is unknown. But it is often preceded by an infectious illness such as a respiratory infection or the stomach flu.

There's no known cure for Guillain-Barre syndrome, but several treatments can ease symptoms and reduce the duration of the illness. Most people recover from Guillain-Barre syndrome, though some may experience lingering effects from it, such as weakness, numbness or fatigue.

He was temporarily paralyzed for two months in which he spend the entire time in the hospital.  During this time I spend nearly a month by his side in Edmonton until he was transferred to Calgary, this is the time that he took his first ever plane ride!  After being transferred I was able to come home to Dave at night and get the emotional support that I needed during that time, I was able to cook my dad homemade meals and take them to hi in the hospital and give him the support that he needed at this time.  He is currently residing with Dave and I and we couldn't be happier to have him in our lives on a daily basis, while he is my step-dad, he has always been my "real" dad, I never had someone that I was this close with, I am a firm

believe that you can indeed pick your family and this is the true meaning of family!

My Mom

On February 24, 2014 I watched as my mom passed away after a long struggle with Diabetes and Polycystic Kidney Disease.  My mom was always there for me, she was my best friend, my confidant, and most importantly the most amazing mom anyone could have ever asked for and she raised me as her own.

She was by my side whenever I fell as a toddler, as I graduated high school and university, at the alter watching as I walked down the isle, during my mastectomy, while I underwent chemotherapy and during my first heartbreak in which she helped me reconcile and fix.

This has been the greatest loss I have ever suffered and not one day goes by that she is not my mind, that I cant hear here reassuring words or cheering me on to do the best I can.  Her ashes are currently on my fireplace as a daily reminder that she surrounds us with love.

Count Your Blessings

After the year of self destruction my amazing Husband, Dave, and I slowly reconciled, took our time and eventually moved back in together.  This all started when I went home to the farm for Christmas.  My mom could see the pain that I was carrying in my heart and said "Beige, Don't be stubborn, admit your faults, apologize, and fight for that man, because I know you still love him and nobody is going to make you happy except him".  Those words were the words that I had been needing to slap me in the face for a long time.  And with that being said, I dug my head out of my ass and fought to get my life back.  Not everyone is as lucky as I was and I realize that.  Don't get me wrong, this was not a fairytale reunion that you picture running into each others arms with a sunset background, it took lots of work, words and time.  And I am forever thankful that I married the most understanding, forgiving, kindhearted and nurturing man on October 9, 2011.

Since January Dave and I work everyday on our communication, our love and our relationship and not one day goes by that I don't tell him how much I appreciate him in my life and how much of a blessing he is...we are now trying to start a family of our own.

Time for an Update

Its been nearly a year since I have posted in my blog, my main reason for stopping the posts was because...well...I lost myself.

In March 2013 I left my husband, moved out of our house and went on a journey to "find myself".  At this time I had undergone Chemo, had a complete Left Mastectomy, was off work for a year and had since returned.  And during all of this I couldn't help feeling that I no longer knew who I was, that there had to be more to my life than what I was currently experiencing.  The truth is...in finding myself, I found the worst in myself.

I was unfaithful to my husband before leaving, taking him for granted and forgetting the fact that he was the man who stood beside me through it all, watching me suffer during surgery, hair loss, mixed emotions and illness.  I became selfish and self destructive, I left my husband, I stopped caring about myself, about others around me and about the life that I was living.

I wont go into much about my year of finding the worst in myself but I will tell you where I am at now...

First I had to pull my head out of my ass.  I realized that the people who TRULY care about you will be waiting for the real you to return.  I learned that small things in life such as an immaculately clean house, laundry on the floor or dishes in the sink is not anything to get angry at because that is not what life is about and it is deffinatly not something that should put a strain on your relationship.  I learned that mom's and dad's always love their daughters unconditionally and always support them in the rough patches through their life, and YES...they are usually right!  I learned that nobody should go through hardtimes alone, even if you feel like you don't want anyone around, don't push them away. Finally, I learned that sometimes on a journey to find yourself, in the end, you find out that you were right where you belonged to begin with.