Well...here I am! Wide awake because for the past week I have been suffering from the worst insomnia I ever thought possible! Yesterday while awake at 3 am I decided to google natural cures for insomnia and almost all websites pointed to the same answer....THERAPY.
What the hell? I don't need therapy! I need sleep! Nothing a little melatonin cant fix right! ................WRONG! 3 extra strengh melatonin for the life of me cannot knock me out this week, so what the hell is my problem?
Three am today I wake up and toss and turn with achy legs so I decide to get out of bed and have a bath. For some reason I have always found great comfort in baths when I am sick or upset and often reminisce about the time when I was about seven or eight years old...pretty sure I was dying from the plague. I had a terrible flu and my mom was working nights so my sister Holly was watching me. She had put up with me moaning and groaning and crying all night and while usually very attentative with me, she had had enough this night and was exhausted taking care of sick lil me! At three am I whined "I wanna have a bath". I laugh every time I think about this...Holly looked at me and said, "its the middle of the night you are not having a damn bath now go lay down and go to sleep!!!"
Approximately five minutes later little sick Beige was moaning and groaning....IN HER BATH THAT HOLLY WAS RUNNING HER!
For some reason this memory has always stuck with me and every time I have a bath for the reason of being upset, sick or for relaxation I think about this day.
Today's 3 am bath was a little different. As unexplainable tears ran down my face and I wept with an overwhelming heaviness in my heart I lied in my bath thinking about what is wrong with me. Taking the time to actually look deep within and think about things that could possibly be bothering me that I am ignoring however are having a great effect on my subconscious mind it occurred to me....Tomorrow is my first cancerversary. I've talked to other survivors and read many blogs about others and their cancerversaries and in most cases it has been a happy day. Some even celebrate with a cake every year and almost ALL acknowledge the day in some shape or form of celebration.
For some reason my first cancerversary is hitting me different than I assumed it would. I thought I would be celebrating and filled with joy, jumping up and down praising the lord that the year is over, on to the next! Without even realizing the emotional effect this has been taking on my body in the last week I have turned into a sleep deprived emotional train wreck and had no idea why.
I am a woman, I'll be the first to admit that we all get a little emotional at times for stupid reasons. Maybe the last piece of cheese from your delicious little cheese and cracker snack fell on the floor and the dog ate it before you could pick it up and honor the five second rule to enjoy it with your last cracker on your plate, no doubt, thanks to the dog's greediness you are now broke out in a full on breakdown because what the hell are you going to do with a dry ol' cracker and no cheese...as you throw the cracker at the dog and cry out "might as well have that too you asshole...ENJOY" it hits you...what the hell was that all about? Did I really just have a full on mental breakdown because the dog ate my last piece of cheese? Perhaps there may be an underlying issue that lead to this little breakdown or perhaps we are just simply women and yes...occasionally we have little breakdowns like this for no reason.
This week was KIND OF the same. I have not been sleeping, I start crying at the drop of a hat MANY times a day with no explanation and I have a heavy heart.
Sitting in my bath I decided to take it upon myself to acknowledge that perhaps I may have an underlying issue...and it hit me...The hot water somehow opened my mind and memory and I began to recall events of the week that didn't make sense at the time. A breakdown when I was getting dressed and seen the nighty my mom bought me after surgery with buttons all down the front because I couldn't pull anything over my head, unpacking and washing blankets and finding my snoogle that gave me relief to sleep by supporting my arm during recovery, moving all my summer clothes to storage and taking the time to look at all of my bikini tops that I haven't worn in over a year because they don't have special pockets for a water boob to be inserted into, an email from two cancer buddies that I haven't talked to in quite some time, and last but not least taking a pregnancy test hoping to reveal that there is a reason I am gaining weight and a secret hope that I see two lines and know that all issues with fertility and the fear of never having children are gone (the test was negative, I'm in the clear to have my MRI however in the blue with just simply getting fat and not being able to blame it on the baby.
All of these things on most days would seem pretty normal to any other 27 year old woman, I mean a nighty, bikini tops, a pillow and a pregnancy test...none of those are a big deal and certainly not anything to cry over....but for me it is. It occurred to me today that these are all very big deals and they are the reasons I have been crying all week and not realized it at the time. All of these things are directly related to my cancer diagnosis and recovery. So...I've been living with this and coping fairly well for a year, why are these things bothering me so bad now? Duh Beige...you just had a scare on Thursday (five days ago) with the possibility of another tumor in your remaining breast and without realizing it all week I've been suppressing the emotions and ignoring that fact that tomorrow it will be one year to the date that I was diagnosed.
As I am writing this I am amazed at how my mind chose to ignore this, something this big, something I SHOULD be celebrating and yet I am not, instead it is eating away at my mind and subconscious mind, making me emotional and not to mention that fact that all week I have been reliving that day without even realizing it. Trying to suppress the memory and forget it ever happened. Seems easy enough, humans hide their feelings all the time and suppress memories of loosing a loved one or a pet, a tragedy in life, etc. However, trying to suppress the memory of my cancer is not as easy to do when every morning I wake up, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror and cancer slaps me in the face. THERE IT IS...EVERY MORNING! My short hair that I have yet to cut, huge black circles under my eyes, bad skin that's dehydrated, the 15 pounds I gained during chemo and a scar from my armpit to the middle of my flat unwomanly chest do not allow me to escape reality and suppress the memory of my cancer.
I hope other survivors truly are happy when their cancerversaies come around and I hope that perhaps my next fifty or so will be easier than the first was for me this year cause I'd be lying if I said I am overwhelmed with joy and happiness knowing its been a year. I am thankful that I am here to write this thanks to amazing medicine and a great team of doctors but tomorrow will without a doubt be one of the hardest most emotional days of my life.
As I close this blog I will be getting out of bed to pack my bag, get in the car and drive three hours to Sparwood BC where at 7 pm I will greet my husband from his day of work and know that no matter how emotional today may be....He's gonna love me through it.
September 27, 2012
September 24, 2012
For better or worse...
I would imagine there are alot of people in my life that have heard the downward spiral my life has taken in the last six months and I would like to take this time to clarify what emotional rollercoaster I have been on.
Before our honeymoon I was involved in a Breast Cancer support group, for any of you out there who are not involved in one, I suggest you do this, it kept me strong. That support group ended in March and Dave and I went on our two week honeymoon in Cuba. Upon our return home things were ok for a while but then I started to emotionally fall apart inside. Instead of talking to anyone about the pain, fear and emotions I was feeling I felt like everyone in my life had gone through enough heartache with me in the last year and they didn't need to hear my bitching about the heartaches and fears that were overwhelming me so I chose to bottle it all up inside. It didn't take very long for the bottled up emotions to cause me to fly off the deep end and the downward spiral began.
The start of all of it involved a break up with my husband. I told him in May that I wanted a divorce. The next few months I spent looking for a place to go and packing my things up slowly and reluctantly. Burgandy left Calgary in June to go to Drayton Valley for the summer and spend some time with the family that raised her. When she left she told me she wanted to come back and she wanted to continue living in Calgary with me, my search for places to live was then very focused around Burgandy, around getting her into a good school, a place where getting a job would be convenient and a place that I could afford with her.
In August Burgandy informed me that she would not be coming back to Calgary and that she had made this decision a while ago but didn't know how to tell me and that she would infact be moving to Fort Mac with her boyfriend. My heart sank. After everything that I was experiencing in life right now to also feel like I had failed her was the icing on the cake. I sat here for almost a week straight in tears fearful that Burgandy was going to ruin her life and why the things that I had done for her were not good enough. In the end, Burgandy moved in with a family member from her Dad's side whom she has never met and the feeling that I have failed her and that she will be in a downward spiral much like I have has yet to pass.
It was a good three months through the summer that Dave and I had minimal communication, while I was still living in our house, we were not talking every day like the happy married couple we once were. I was lost, I felt alone, I was unhappy. Why should Dave have to be brought down in life too because I couldn't have a handle on my emotions. Why should he have to live with someone who cries at times for no reason at all, who fears their life everyday and chooses to sabotage themselves rather than embracing the happiness and joys that they have in their life. None of this was fair to him. He has always supported me in every aspect of my life, loved me unconditionally and would give me the world so didn't he deserve someone who would do this for him in return?
I'm not saying I wouldn't give Dave the world, I am just saying that I was so sad that I didn't care to try.
I would like to think that everything in life happens for a reason.
During the three month separation I was involved in an Internet scam and lost $1600.00 when I placed a damage deposit on a place to rent. After telling my story to the landlord and placing the deposit, he still look my money and ran, I am on long term disability right now and that was the only $1600.00 I had that month, I risked living with no groceries to place that deposit. This was a huge eye opener to me to realize that people can be so heartless and have no empathy towards others situations, and yet, here I was, doing the exact same thing to Dave, being heartless.
For better or worse....I guess the answer is both! Nobodies marriage is perfect and they are all going to have their problems, I am thankful to have the most understanding, forgiving and loving husband in the world who supports and loves me through anything. Believe me, I know how blessed I am with this fact alone!
As I close this comment I would like to clarify, Dave and I are sorting through our issues, we are very happy together, we have an unconditional love for each other that is undying (I love that man with everything that is in me). I hope that everyone can understand that Dave and I choosing to work through the hard times only makes us stronger in the long run, it proves that our love for each other is undying and I ask that everyone respect our decisions to live together for better or worse.
Before our honeymoon I was involved in a Breast Cancer support group, for any of you out there who are not involved in one, I suggest you do this, it kept me strong. That support group ended in March and Dave and I went on our two week honeymoon in Cuba. Upon our return home things were ok for a while but then I started to emotionally fall apart inside. Instead of talking to anyone about the pain, fear and emotions I was feeling I felt like everyone in my life had gone through enough heartache with me in the last year and they didn't need to hear my bitching about the heartaches and fears that were overwhelming me so I chose to bottle it all up inside. It didn't take very long for the bottled up emotions to cause me to fly off the deep end and the downward spiral began.
The start of all of it involved a break up with my husband. I told him in May that I wanted a divorce. The next few months I spent looking for a place to go and packing my things up slowly and reluctantly. Burgandy left Calgary in June to go to Drayton Valley for the summer and spend some time with the family that raised her. When she left she told me she wanted to come back and she wanted to continue living in Calgary with me, my search for places to live was then very focused around Burgandy, around getting her into a good school, a place where getting a job would be convenient and a place that I could afford with her.
In August Burgandy informed me that she would not be coming back to Calgary and that she had made this decision a while ago but didn't know how to tell me and that she would infact be moving to Fort Mac with her boyfriend. My heart sank. After everything that I was experiencing in life right now to also feel like I had failed her was the icing on the cake. I sat here for almost a week straight in tears fearful that Burgandy was going to ruin her life and why the things that I had done for her were not good enough. In the end, Burgandy moved in with a family member from her Dad's side whom she has never met and the feeling that I have failed her and that she will be in a downward spiral much like I have has yet to pass.
It was a good three months through the summer that Dave and I had minimal communication, while I was still living in our house, we were not talking every day like the happy married couple we once were. I was lost, I felt alone, I was unhappy. Why should Dave have to be brought down in life too because I couldn't have a handle on my emotions. Why should he have to live with someone who cries at times for no reason at all, who fears their life everyday and chooses to sabotage themselves rather than embracing the happiness and joys that they have in their life. None of this was fair to him. He has always supported me in every aspect of my life, loved me unconditionally and would give me the world so didn't he deserve someone who would do this for him in return?
I'm not saying I wouldn't give Dave the world, I am just saying that I was so sad that I didn't care to try.
I would like to think that everything in life happens for a reason.
During the three month separation I was involved in an Internet scam and lost $1600.00 when I placed a damage deposit on a place to rent. After telling my story to the landlord and placing the deposit, he still look my money and ran, I am on long term disability right now and that was the only $1600.00 I had that month, I risked living with no groceries to place that deposit. This was a huge eye opener to me to realize that people can be so heartless and have no empathy towards others situations, and yet, here I was, doing the exact same thing to Dave, being heartless.
For better or worse....I guess the answer is both! Nobodies marriage is perfect and they are all going to have their problems, I am thankful to have the most understanding, forgiving and loving husband in the world who supports and loves me through anything. Believe me, I know how blessed I am with this fact alone!
As I close this comment I would like to clarify, Dave and I are sorting through our issues, we are very happy together, we have an unconditional love for each other that is undying (I love that man with everything that is in me). I hope that everyone can understand that Dave and I choosing to work through the hard times only makes us stronger in the long run, it proves that our love for each other is undying and I ask that everyone respect our decisions to live together for better or worse.
Heart is where the Home is
Since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer a year ago not a day goes by that I don't ponder what makes me happy, where was I the happiest, what do I want out of life.
On almost all of these days I find myself thinking of the farm. Never in my life was I at such peace in my heart as when I was down at barn sitting with my donkey, my nelly girl! The barn was an escape for me, a place that I ran when I felt like there was nowhere else I wanted to be. My nelly girl was the one soul in the world that I felt would love me through anything, who understood my emotions without me having to tell her what was in my heart.
I dream of the day that I will be able to return to the farm, at this time my parents farm is up for sale and my husband and I have been strongly considering purchasing it. Knowing that I may one day be back on the farm and know that our children will get the same peace and freedom that I had gives me an overwhelming sense of joy.
Since the day I met Dave, he has fondly talked about Buck Lake, the beauty of it, the trees, the sense of family that is around there. It is an amazing feeling to know that my husband has the same love for my home that I do.
On almost all of these days I find myself thinking of the farm. Never in my life was I at such peace in my heart as when I was down at barn sitting with my donkey, my nelly girl! The barn was an escape for me, a place that I ran when I felt like there was nowhere else I wanted to be. My nelly girl was the one soul in the world that I felt would love me through anything, who understood my emotions without me having to tell her what was in my heart.
I dream of the day that I will be able to return to the farm, at this time my parents farm is up for sale and my husband and I have been strongly considering purchasing it. Knowing that I may one day be back on the farm and know that our children will get the same peace and freedom that I had gives me an overwhelming sense of joy.
Since the day I met Dave, he has fondly talked about Buck Lake, the beauty of it, the trees, the sense of family that is around there. It is an amazing feeling to know that my husband has the same love for my home that I do.
A bump in the road
A cancer survivor gets the joy of not only going to the doctor for yearly check ups but many of us are now faced with visits every three or six months for the rest of our lives. My medical schedule happens to be once every six months.
Thank god I can say that I am married and thankful that this breast poke doesn't just come around twice a year. Something that I know many of my young cancer survivor buddies have to deal with, a loss in sex life if you are single. After all, how sexy can you possibly be dressed up in your lingerie only to take it off and have your breast prosthesis fall to the floor with it with a huge thump, guaranteed that thing weights 10 pounds! lets all take a minute to picture how humiliating this moment is...
To my single surviving one boobed amigos, hold in there, the day will come that you either A) find an amazing man with who you will one day be comfortable with or B) have amazing implants that will help you to be comfortable with yourself.
Now that I have had my unnecessary out of topic rant, lets get to the bump in the road. Today is September 24th, I have four days to go until I relive that day when Dr. Hicks informed me that I did infact have cancer. I am not sure yet how I am going to take this day that is coming soon but I do know that it will be an emotional one.
Thursday September 20th was my second boob check up and what I thought would be my final exam before my return to work. My life has been a whirlwind in the last six months and I have to admit I went off the deep end a little bit experiencing survivor hood in ways that I thought would be fulfilling in life, these things were so selfish and life altering not realizing that what I needed and wanted in life was right there the whole time. At this visit my doctor was more concerned over my mental well being more than anything as she has followed my down ward spiral in the last year. We talked alot about where life was at this point and that it is starting to look up and I am beginning to feel like myself again, her concerns about my mental health quickly faded when the three inch lump in my remaining breast was discovered. Dr. hicks looked at me with sadness in her eyes as she said "I am sorry to have to tell you this again".
The next day I was in emergency appointments and scheduled for a mammogram as well as an ultrasound. Growing up I always imagined going to ultrasound appointments with tears in my eyes and an overwhelming sense of joy as I sat there and watched my baby wiggle and jiggle inside of me, while the tears were there the sense of joy was an extreme sense of fear and I felt awful for the people in this office that had to watch me bawling for the next hour. Tears ran down my whole body as I underwent my second mammogram at the age of 27, never thinking I would be doing this again exactly a year later. And during my ultrasound I eagerly watched the screen looking for that same black hole looking picture that revealed my cancer a year ago. NOTHING. The ultrasound technician said everything looked normal and I replied yes I see that. She brought the doctor in to double check and he had the same news for me. A small sense of relief was given to me as I walked out of the office, however I had two hours to eagerly await the call from Dr. Hicks with the results. Me and my girlfriend Wendy went for lunch and in two hours I was informed that there was infact nothing revealed on these tests, however, as I sit here and write this blog post I am waiting to be scheduled for an MRI and Dr. Hicks will also be calling my plastic surgeon to bump me up the line and have this breast removed.
While I am happy to be bumped up in appointments, a big part of me is also PISSED OFF!!!! I told them a year ago I wanted both breasts removed and all of my medical team thought I was speaking out of fear and that removing both breasts was a little rational. Please let me explain...that at 26 years old you do not want to face this again, its easier to live with NO breasts than to have to face the reality of finding another lump...yet...at 27 here I am...another lump, another bump in the road, more fear, more sense of failing my husband and family, more tears, more heartache and more surgeries to come. NOW please tell me that you thought I was speaking out of fear or being irrational a year ago!
Thank god I can say that I am married and thankful that this breast poke doesn't just come around twice a year. Something that I know many of my young cancer survivor buddies have to deal with, a loss in sex life if you are single. After all, how sexy can you possibly be dressed up in your lingerie only to take it off and have your breast prosthesis fall to the floor with it with a huge thump, guaranteed that thing weights 10 pounds! lets all take a minute to picture how humiliating this moment is...
To my single surviving one boobed amigos, hold in there, the day will come that you either A) find an amazing man with who you will one day be comfortable with or B) have amazing implants that will help you to be comfortable with yourself.
Now that I have had my unnecessary out of topic rant, lets get to the bump in the road. Today is September 24th, I have four days to go until I relive that day when Dr. Hicks informed me that I did infact have cancer. I am not sure yet how I am going to take this day that is coming soon but I do know that it will be an emotional one.
Thursday September 20th was my second boob check up and what I thought would be my final exam before my return to work. My life has been a whirlwind in the last six months and I have to admit I went off the deep end a little bit experiencing survivor hood in ways that I thought would be fulfilling in life, these things were so selfish and life altering not realizing that what I needed and wanted in life was right there the whole time. At this visit my doctor was more concerned over my mental well being more than anything as she has followed my down ward spiral in the last year. We talked alot about where life was at this point and that it is starting to look up and I am beginning to feel like myself again, her concerns about my mental health quickly faded when the three inch lump in my remaining breast was discovered. Dr. hicks looked at me with sadness in her eyes as she said "I am sorry to have to tell you this again".
The next day I was in emergency appointments and scheduled for a mammogram as well as an ultrasound. Growing up I always imagined going to ultrasound appointments with tears in my eyes and an overwhelming sense of joy as I sat there and watched my baby wiggle and jiggle inside of me, while the tears were there the sense of joy was an extreme sense of fear and I felt awful for the people in this office that had to watch me bawling for the next hour. Tears ran down my whole body as I underwent my second mammogram at the age of 27, never thinking I would be doing this again exactly a year later. And during my ultrasound I eagerly watched the screen looking for that same black hole looking picture that revealed my cancer a year ago. NOTHING. The ultrasound technician said everything looked normal and I replied yes I see that. She brought the doctor in to double check and he had the same news for me. A small sense of relief was given to me as I walked out of the office, however I had two hours to eagerly await the call from Dr. Hicks with the results. Me and my girlfriend Wendy went for lunch and in two hours I was informed that there was infact nothing revealed on these tests, however, as I sit here and write this blog post I am waiting to be scheduled for an MRI and Dr. Hicks will also be calling my plastic surgeon to bump me up the line and have this breast removed.
While I am happy to be bumped up in appointments, a big part of me is also PISSED OFF!!!! I told them a year ago I wanted both breasts removed and all of my medical team thought I was speaking out of fear and that removing both breasts was a little rational. Please let me explain...that at 26 years old you do not want to face this again, its easier to live with NO breasts than to have to face the reality of finding another lump...yet...at 27 here I am...another lump, another bump in the road, more fear, more sense of failing my husband and family, more tears, more heartache and more surgeries to come. NOW please tell me that you thought I was speaking out of fear or being irrational a year ago!
September 22, 2012
Hair, Hair and more Hair
oh the days of no shaving legs, no bad hair days, no waxing eyebrows...yes...they are over.
September 03, 2012
Where to Begin....
It is so hard to believe that I have taken no time to write in my blog since February. My mind has been in a whirlwind and while I sit and reminisce that life has been busy and try to make the excuses of why I have not been doing the things I cared about....reality hits....life has not been busy....rather, it has been ignored. A harsh reality that I did not want to face set everything that I cared about, everything that I enjoyed on the back burner, while I carelessly "flew off the deep end".
The last couple months have been filled with so many ups and downs and while I look back I realized that at the time of what I thought were positive things, were so many downfalls and brought my life nowhere forward. Living everyday carelessly and allowing alot of people I care about to slip away in fear that someday my cancer may return and when it does, perhaps it would be better if I had already pushed them away rather than having them loose me at a time that we were closest to each other.
so lets see where to begin...
Dave and I went to Cuba in March for two weeks to celebrate our honeymoon, it was an amazing vacation, however in Cuba, I still could not escape the harsh reality of what I had gone through in the last year. While I put on my strong front and we had an amazing time, there were so many things running through my mind at all times.
Shortly after the return from our honeymoon, tragedy struck, and while I am not willing to talk about it (it had nothing to do with cancer in any form). Things went downhill in my marriage. I went into a deep hole and could not escape the fact that the cancer would maybe return one day, and if it had I wanted to know that I had lived each day to the fullest, not realizing at the time, that living life to the fullest to me actually means loving someone with your whole heart, realizing that they love you and accepting the wonderful life that has been handed to you. I became reckless and careless about many things and let a lot of things slip through my fingers by hurting many people I cared about....again...the thought in my head that perhaps if I were able to push everyone away before the return of my cancer would be the best thing, because if they were not in my life, they would not be hurt.
_______________________________________________________________________________
So much has happened in the last five months, most of which I am not proud of, I hope that by getting back on my blog today, this will be a new beginning to the stronger happier me that I once was. Accepting of love, friendships and being grateful for the amazing things that god has handed to me that I have so often taken for granted.
followers.....please welcome me back and I hope you are all doing amazing!
The last couple months have been filled with so many ups and downs and while I look back I realized that at the time of what I thought were positive things, were so many downfalls and brought my life nowhere forward. Living everyday carelessly and allowing alot of people I care about to slip away in fear that someday my cancer may return and when it does, perhaps it would be better if I had already pushed them away rather than having them loose me at a time that we were closest to each other.
so lets see where to begin...
Dave and I went to Cuba in March for two weeks to celebrate our honeymoon, it was an amazing vacation, however in Cuba, I still could not escape the harsh reality of what I had gone through in the last year. While I put on my strong front and we had an amazing time, there were so many things running through my mind at all times.
- Why at 26 years old should I feel uncomfortable in my honeymoon lingerie because of my lopsided and scared chest.
- A two week vacation in which I have all of two bathing suit tops to choose from because before leaving the room I must first shove a waterproof fake breast in a full coverage bathing suit top, a top that is two sizes too big for me, just so I can hide my scars and pretend to be as real as a woman as the rest on the beach.
- And last but not least, my buzz cut that had just started to grow back at that time was the biggest reason I could not escape reality on my honeymoon. I had many people approaching us daily asking id I had had cancer, while they were eager to share their own stories of how cancer had affected their lives and how strong and courageous they thought I was, I just wanted one day to be "Beige and Dave"...in a cancer free world.
Shortly after the return from our honeymoon, tragedy struck, and while I am not willing to talk about it (it had nothing to do with cancer in any form). Things went downhill in my marriage. I went into a deep hole and could not escape the fact that the cancer would maybe return one day, and if it had I wanted to know that I had lived each day to the fullest, not realizing at the time, that living life to the fullest to me actually means loving someone with your whole heart, realizing that they love you and accepting the wonderful life that has been handed to you. I became reckless and careless about many things and let a lot of things slip through my fingers by hurting many people I cared about....again...the thought in my head that perhaps if I were able to push everyone away before the return of my cancer would be the best thing, because if they were not in my life, they would not be hurt.
_______________________________________________________________________________
So much has happened in the last five months, most of which I am not proud of, I hope that by getting back on my blog today, this will be a new beginning to the stronger happier me that I once was. Accepting of love, friendships and being grateful for the amazing things that god has handed to me that I have so often taken for granted.
followers.....please welcome me back and I hope you are all doing amazing!
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