BAD BLOGGER!

Wow!  I am going to make a commitment to update my blog more often!  I keep running into people

So much time has passed and before I knew it here I am almost done my chemo journey and have failed to blog.  I may be a senior administrator for Information Technology Management but Technology sure has taken a back burner to my life these days as with well...seems like everything!

I am currently on cycle 3 of 4 with chemotherapy and proud to post that I will be finished with chemotherapy on January 17th when I visit the Tom Baker for my last administration!

So.....where to begin....

Chemotherapy Administrations
When I was first diagnosed with Cancer at the end of September and was told that I would be receiving chemotherapy after my mastectomy Dave and I prepared for the worst!  We made arrangements for my mom and dad to move in with us for the duration of my treatment, moved our house all around so that they would be comfortable and have their own room, I sacrificed my office that I waited six years to have.  We bought a bed in breakfast tray and a high nightstand for accessibility to everything beside me assuming I would be spending a lot of time in my bed.  We stocked our pantry with lots of soup, ensure, crackers and gingerale assuming that I would not be eating very much and I amped up my diet for three weeks to gain a little weight anticipating that I would drop down in weight during chemotherapy.  BOY WERE WE WRONG.

On December 27th I received chemo administration number three of four.  My body reacts the same to chemo every time, I suffer from a five day hangover in which I am extremely hungry and eat everything in sight, day five is the worst and my body aches and then I wake up on day six perfectly fine.  About a week and a half after my chemo administration I cant sleep.  Yesterday I was awake for 47 hours straight WITH tons of energy.  On these days I try my damdest to sleep but even if I sleep for a couple hours I wake up at three or four in the morning, make myself breakfast and get a burst of energy and clean the entire house and when this spell is over I go back into the Tom Baker for happy hour and leave there with my hangover.

Chemotherapy has given me no complications since I ended up in the hospital with my fever and zero neutrophils during round one.  I have a rash that has appeared on my back and have lost my hair (which already started to grow back immediately after it fell our).

The only complication I feel that came with chemotherapy is my appearance.  I haven't been working out as much as I did prior to my cancer diagnosis and as a result my stomach has become quite "flabby".  I have gained seven pounds (during the holidays).  I am hungry constantly.  My eyes are red.  My skin is dry. My face breaks out regularly.  Oh...and I seem to be missing a boob!  :)

Most recently the biggest problem that I am facing is where to go after my treatment is all said and done.  I have been struggling ALOT with this.  I have so many questions.

- Will I be able to have children?
- How long to I wait to make sure I will be cancer free before having kids?
- Will I have a recurrence?
- Do I reconstruct before or after children?
- When will I go back to work?
- Since I had no symptoms during chemo will I suffer from post chemo symptoms?
- If I am not a chemo patient anymore who am I?

All of these questions are not answerable therefore I continue to struggle with them.  I have recently began reading a book called Picking Up the Pieces and it has made me realize that everyone who has been diagnosed with cancer has these same questions.  You are no longer able to run from Cancer once it has touched your life.  Having Cancer and having it cured it not your get out of jail free card, you are still just as much at risk to get another kind of cancer as the rest of the world is except yours will be called a recurrence.  Of course I commit myself to a healthy lifestyle of diet and excercise but this thought will not go away!


The ups and downs
When I was first diagnosed I cried and then...I picked my ass back up!  I realized quickly that that cry did not cure my cancer and other than giving me big bags under my eyes and snot running down my face it did nothing for me. 

I would like to be able to report that that was the last time that I cried but that would be a false statement.  There has been many emotions in the last three months but for the most part my spirits have remained high with a positive attitude towards a great outcome.

There was one night that Dave was late coming home from work, he wasn't answering his phone and I had supper ready, he was always home at the same time and I was getting worried.  I had gone upstairs and put on my makeup and wig and decided that tonight during dinner I was going to look beautiful for my amazing husband.  Dave however had decided to stop in quickly at a friends house and forgot his phone in the truck, before he knew it an hour had gone by and he called me to tell me he was on his way home.  When he got home I had a complete breakdown about how I made myself look pretty just to have him not appreciate me and come home late and now supper was dry because it had overcooked and on and on and on.  I lost myself...I fell on the bathroom floor and had a massive breakdown.   None of this of course had anything to do with Dave stopping to have a beer with his friend or about supper being dry and if I was crying because I made myself look good well then I need to reconsider that one because I should be making myself look and feel good EVERYDAY.  I was just simply crying...to be crying!  And again as I reintroduced myself to the baggy eyes and snot running down my face I gave myself a mental slap and sat down at the dinner table realizing that laying on the bathroom floor and falling apart had not cured my cancer and did absolutely nothing for me.

One thing that came with my cancer diagnosis was a wake up call.  A wake up call to realize that you do not need to have people in your life just simply to have them there and if people in your life make you miserable...why are they apart of it?  I can proudly say that Dave experienced this wake up call with me.  We were happily married on October 9th in a small ceremony, yes we were happy to get married and yes we thought it was a beautiful wedding but none the less there was an unfortunate circumstance to our wedding...I was having a mastectomy five days after our wedding.  We announced to all of our family and friends that while our wedding was going to be very intimate we would be having a large reception when my chemotherapy was over and done with and I was feeling better so that we could "celebrate" properly.  With this announcement came my wake up call.  It is now clear to me that when people decide to get married it doesn't matter what YOUR wishes are someone is always going to be pissed off!

While we have had amazing people come into our lives during this journey and have made many new friends and discovered just how great some of our friends are, we have also experienced the opposite of this, we have also had people that have become less active in our lives that were a big part of it before all of this.  And we are ok with that, infact, Dave and I have never been happier!  We have discovered how important and close to our family we are and have made a huge effort to be a big part of their lives as well as some very close friends that we value greatly!  Personally, I myself now have a new feeling towards relationships, it is okay to be acquaintances with people and if you have mutual friends, be civil at gatherings, however, there are many people that I feel have caused conflict in my life and I have struggled for years to resolve this conflict.  Simply put, you just aren't meant to be friends with some people and I have put so much energy and time into trying that I just cant do it anymore, my time and energy now needs to focus on myself, my family, things and people I love and living life to the fullest NOT to putting a constant effort into something that never was or that I know just will never be there!  This realization is compliments of my amazing husband that has opened my eyes to so many things since my diagnosis, the endless nights that we spend talking about what is important to us and where we want to see our lives in the future.


Where do I go from here?
On January 17th I will walk into the Tom Baker without my husband by my side as he is away at work for what will be my last chemotherapy treatment.  I have read that these are not uncommon feelings to not know where exactly you belong at this point but what I do wish is that for one day I could go through my day without the word Cancer popping into my head!