Heart is where the Home is

Since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer a year ago not a day goes by that I don't ponder what makes me happy, where was I the happiest, what do I want out of life. 

On almost all of these days I find myself thinking of the farm.  Never in my life was I at such peace in my heart as when I was down at barn sitting with my donkey, my nelly girl!  The barn was an escape for me, a place that I ran when I felt like there was nowhere else I wanted to be.  My nelly girl was the one soul in the world that I felt would love me through anything, who understood my emotions without me having to tell her what was in my heart.

I dream of the day that I will be able to return to the farm, at this time my parents farm is up for sale and my husband and I have been strongly considering purchasing it.  Knowing that I may one day be back on the farm and know that our children will get the same peace and freedom that I had gives me an overwhelming sense of joy. 

Since the day I met Dave, he has fondly talked about Buck Lake, the beauty of it, the trees, the sense of family that is around there.  It is an amazing feeling to know that my husband has the same love for my home that I do.

A bump in the road

A cancer survivor gets the joy of not only going to the doctor for yearly check ups but many of us are now faced with visits every three or six months for the rest of our lives.  My medical schedule happens to be once every six months. 

Thank god I can say that I am married and thankful that this breast poke doesn't just come around twice a year.  Something that I know many of my young cancer survivor buddies have to deal with, a loss in sex life if you are single.  After all, how sexy can you possibly be dressed up in your lingerie only to take it off and have your breast prosthesis fall to the floor with it with a huge thump, guaranteed that thing weights 10 pounds!  lets all take a minute to picture how humiliating this moment is...

To my single surviving one boobed amigos, hold in there, the day will come that you either A) find an amazing man with who you will one day be comfortable with or B) have amazing implants that will help you to be comfortable with yourself.

Now that I have had my unnecessary out of topic rant, lets get to the bump in the road.  Today is September 24th, I have four days to go until I relive that day when Dr. Hicks informed me that I did infact have cancer.  I am not sure yet how I am going to take this day that is coming soon but I do know that it will be an emotional one. 

Thursday September 20th was my second boob check up and what I thought would be my final exam before my return to work.  My life has been a whirlwind in the last six months and I have to admit I went off the deep end a little bit experiencing survivor hood in ways that I thought would be fulfilling in life, these things were so selfish and life altering not realizing that what I needed and wanted in life was right there the whole time.  At this visit my doctor was more concerned over my mental well being more than anything as she has followed my down ward spiral in the last year.  We talked alot about where life was at this point and that it is starting to look up and I am beginning to feel like myself again, her concerns about my mental health quickly faded when the three inch lump in my remaining breast was discovered.  Dr. hicks looked at me with sadness in her eyes as she said "I am sorry to have to tell you this again". 

The next day I was in emergency appointments and scheduled for a mammogram as well as an ultrasound.  Growing up I always imagined going to ultrasound appointments with tears in my eyes and an overwhelming sense of joy as I sat there and watched my baby wiggle and jiggle inside of me, while the tears were there the sense of joy was an extreme sense of fear and I felt awful for the people in this office that had to watch me bawling for the next hour.  Tears ran down my whole body as I underwent my second mammogram at the age of 27, never thinking I would be doing this again exactly a year later.  And during my ultrasound I eagerly watched the screen looking for that same black hole looking picture that revealed my cancer a year ago.  NOTHING.  The ultrasound technician said everything looked normal and I replied yes I see that.  She brought the doctor in to double check and he had the same news for me.  A small sense of relief was given to me as I walked out of the office, however I had two hours to eagerly await the call from Dr. Hicks with the results.  Me and my girlfriend Wendy went for lunch and in two hours I was informed that there was infact nothing revealed on these tests, however, as I sit here and write this blog post I am waiting to be scheduled for an MRI and Dr. Hicks will also be calling my plastic surgeon to bump me up the line and have this breast removed. 

While I am happy to be bumped up in appointments, a big part of me is also PISSED OFF!!!!  I told them a year ago I wanted both breasts removed and all of my medical team thought I was speaking out of fear and that removing both breasts was a little rational.  Please let me explain...that at 26 years old you do not want to face this again, its easier to live with NO breasts than to have to face the reality of finding another lump...yet...at 27 here I am...another lump, another bump in the road, more fear, more sense of failing my husband and family, more tears, more heartache and more surgeries to come.  NOW please tell me that you thought I was speaking out of fear or being irrational a year ago!

Hair, Hair and more Hair

oh the days of no shaving legs, no bad hair days, no waxing eyebrows...yes...they are over. 

Where to Begin....

It is so hard to believe that I have taken no time to write in my blog since February.  My mind has been in a whirlwind and while I sit and reminisce that life has been busy and try to make the excuses of why I have not been doing the things I cared about....reality hits....life has not been busy....rather, it has been ignored.  A harsh reality that I did not want to face set everything that I cared about, everything that I enjoyed on the back burner, while I carelessly "flew off the deep end". 

The last couple months have been filled with so many ups and downs and while I look back I realized that at the time of what I thought were positive things, were so many downfalls and brought my life nowhere forward.  Living everyday carelessly and allowing alot of people I care about to slip away in fear that someday my cancer may return and when it does, perhaps it would be better if I had already pushed them away rather than having them loose me at a time that we were closest to each other. 

so lets see where to begin...

Dave and I went to Cuba in March for two weeks to celebrate our honeymoon, it was an amazing vacation, however in Cuba, I still could not escape the harsh reality of what I had gone through in the last year.  While I put on my strong front and we had an amazing time, there were so many things running through my mind at all times. 

• Why at 26 years old should I feel uncomfortable in my honeymoon lingerie because of my lopsided and scared chest. 
• A two week vacation in which I have all of two bathing suit tops to choose from because before leaving the room I must first shove a waterproof fake breast in a full coverage bathing suit top, a top that is two sizes too big for me, just so I can hide my scars and pretend to be as real as a woman as the rest on the beach.
• And last but not least, my buzz cut that had just started to grow back at that time was the biggest reason I could not escape reality on my honeymoon.  I had many people approaching us daily asking id I had had cancer, while they were eager to share their own stories of how cancer had affected their lives and how strong and courageous they thought I was, I just wanted one day to be "Beige and Dave"...in a cancer free world. 

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Shortly after the return from our honeymoon, tragedy struck, and while I am not willing to talk about it (it had nothing to do with cancer in any form).  Things went downhill in my marriage.  I went into a deep hole and could not escape the fact that the cancer would maybe return one day, and if it had I wanted to know that I had lived each day to the fullest, not realizing at the time, that living life to the fullest to me actually means loving someone with your whole heart, realizing that they love you and accepting the wonderful life that has been handed to you.  I became reckless and careless about many things and let a lot of things slip through my fingers by hurting many people I cared about....again...the thought in my head that perhaps if I were able to push everyone away before the return of my cancer would be the best thing, because if they were not in my life, they would not be hurt. 

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So much has happened in the last five months, most of which I am not proud of, I hope that by getting back on my blog today, this will be a new beginning to the stronger happier me that I once was.  Accepting of love, friendships and being grateful for the amazing things that god has handed to me that I have so often taken for granted. 

followers.....please welcome me back and I hope you are all doing amazing!

Aches, Pains and Worries

I joined a woman's breast cancer support group and every Monday myself and six other women get together to discuss our lives and how cancer has affected it.  I absolutely love this group and feel that it has helped me so far tremendously. 

The one thing that we discussed is the fear of recurrence.  Every ache, pain and stiffness in your body leads to your mind playing tricks on you and you cant escape the thought "oh no, what if its cancer?"

Its really a mental disorder that goes something like this...

Headache = brain cancer
bones hurting = bone cancer
nausea = stomach cancer
walking through a cloud of smoke = lung cancer.

Every day = CANCER, CANCER, CANCER

And there seems to be no where to run to escape these words, feelings and fears....I guess that all comes with time.

Currently and personally I am having the BIGGEST problem with my backside.  It feels as if my muscles from my lower back to under my butt are so stiff I have trouble walking.  Its like there is something constantly pushing on my bones and the feeling is killing me. 

I visited the chiropractor today but it didn't seem to help much other  than the fact that she did remind me it will take a good year for my body to be "normal" again and that there are post-chemo symptoms.

February 7, 2012 - A celebration

Today as Porshia and I were driving I realized that today - February 7th has special meaning.

As I was driving I realized this morning I SHOULD have been on my way to chemo - BUT I WASNT!!!!!

As my husband said on January 17th "while today is your last chemo and that is exciting the celebration actually will not be until 21 days after when you finally don't have to go anymore" - and that day has come!

Shoppers Drug Mart Weekend to End Women's Cancer

Yay!

I have successfully registered for my first Breast Cancer Fundraiser since becoming a survivor!  I said at the beginning of this journey that I promised to go on and do great things and make a difference and here I am at the beginning of THAT journey!  I am so excited words cannot even explain it!

Shoppers Drug Mart® Weekend to End Women's Cancers? is a two-day, 60-kilometre or one-day 32-kilometre walk through the neighbourhoods of Calgary. It will be a challenge and I am ready to take on this endeavour to find a cure to breast and gynecologic cancers!

My commitment is based on love and my realization that we each need to do our part in this fight. I can walk. I can raise funds to benefit the Alberta Cancer Foundation, a leader in the fight against all women's cancers. I can and choose to be a part of this movement to save lives.

I ask you to join my Circle For Hope. Be a part of my very personal journey - by giving, by walking with me, or simply by sharing my story with your circle of influence.

This is my journey.
This is my Weekend Circle For Hope.

Please visit my website to make a donation or join my team.

http://www.endcancer.ca/site/TR/Events/Calgary2012?px=3716835&pg=personal&fr_id=1460